brothers.

71~ New Future

01.16.24

Dear Diary, I'm still counting the days until I get my birth certificate. Susan called Mr. Brian and he said he'd do everything he could to get me emancipated from the system and under the Fields' custody as soon as possible. I'm anxious to disown the Watson name; I still see my 'other' parents as my parents, sorta, but the Watson name brings me too close to Pat and Kim, even if they're not actual Watsons themselves (their name is Dossi).

Charlotte and Stuart named me Diana, so that name will hold their memory. But 'Field' is what I should've been, and what I will be from now on.

Right now, it's just a waiting game. I'm going through my daily life, doing homework, taking classes, sometimes talking to my friends. I've felt a little better lately. Monica is still on my mind, of course, but knowing I actually have a family now is enough to really bring my spirits up.

How I wish she could've been here to see it. I would've loved to tell her. It hurts, knowing she'll never know I was her best friend's sister. And my sister will never know, either.

I still can't believe it. Many times, I wake up thinking it was a dream and that I'll get taken away again. It's hard to grasp the reality of my bloodline. Could it be that I looked so similar to my other mom that the nurses confused me and Julia? People did always say I had her eyes.

I expected everything to be kinda weird between me and the boys the day after, but our relationships feel a lot more relaxed (?). Or natural. It's just different, knowing we have the same DNA.

~~~

01.18.24

Dear Diary, we put up all of Amy's pictures again. We emptied all the boxes in the attic. We also put up new nails on the walls for my future pictures. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm staying. The legalities are still in process, but Mr. Brian said it should be easy, since they were already my host family, and my original 'bio' family is still on parole and in a very bad position to fight for custody. It was likely I'd age out of the system with the Fields anyway.

I still have that underlying paranoia, though. Everything just seems too happy, too perfect. I've learned to not get too comfortable. I'll still be watching for anything that might try to stop me from being with my real family.

~~~

01.19.24

I keep having these nightmares, I see him, I feel him grabbing me and snatching me, dragging me out the door, and they're just standing there, not doing anything, letting me go, telling me I was too much, even Lonnie was just sitting there, like he was tired of me, I'm so scared, I don't know what to do

~~~

01.20.24

I don't do well with speaking, because I just get 'ticked' off and start yelling, so I'm gonna write to you from now on.

I started reading your book, from the first chapter, with Adam and Eve. What I don't get is: you told them not to eat from that specific tree, but they did anyway. Why didn't you just stop them? You could just make them leave and they wouldn't have met the snake and stuff.

That's why I feel like you could've just kept me with my birth family and have none of this happen. I didn't have to go through what I went through.

But it's just the beginning, and I don't know you very well, so I'm gonna keep reading and see what you mean by everything. I guess it's stupid that I'm literally questioning the origins of humanity. This is stuff I probably won't be able to understand. I'll keep going, like I promised. I've broken a lot of promises, but this is one I'll keep.