Nevermore

Chapter14

The only light guiding me is from the moon above. Once again, I'm captivated by how the light streams down onto the forest. 

In the middle of the night, dappled moonlight eases its way through the gaps in the trees. It contrasts to the mottled gold light of daytime. The whole forest is outlined in silvery blue. I follow the delicate latticework of the trees' bark with my eyes. I try to soak up each and every detail. The tiny moths that are stirred by my footsteps, the slippery leaf decay beneath my feet, or the way the vines hover like anxious wraiths. 

I've only been out at night a few times. I know it's dangerous, but I had to do this. I had to do it alone. 

Hopefully, no monsters are out tonight.

If I thought the waterfall was beautiful in the day, I was sorely mistaken. 

The water pounds down into the pool, sending up a flurry of water droplets. The rest of the pool is calm. The frothing chaos at the base of the fall subdues into lazy ripples. 

My toes test the edge of the water. 

I wanted to do this. I  wanted to be able to come back to the place where I tried to end myself, and face whatever was lurking there. 

I was so confident in my ability to bravely enter the water. Now, it takes everything in my power not to run back to the safety of the house. 

Forgiveness, I think, remembering Roshan. I have to forgive myself. 

I take a deep breath and square my shoulders. I toss my clothes onto the large boulders shouldering the pool. 

I take a step forward. Then another. And another. An other. An ot he r. A n o t h e r. 

The water reaches my waist now. 

I only have to make it to the waterfall, then I can come back. 

What's stopping me? Why can't I just propel myself that much farther?

My eyes start to fill with tears. I knew this wouldn't be easy. 

The pain of the assault, of the betrayal, of my own failure comes rushing back at me. This time I let it. I never faced the pain, just ran from it. I haven't been able to forgive myself for something that was not my fault. I let myself cry. I rant. I shout. I angrily slap at the water til I am spent. 

I'm not sure if I can forgive myself for abandoning my family, or my kingdom. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive Biren. I can forgive myself for this one thing. I can forgive myself for trying to commit suicide. 

I know why I tried. I can stop feeling guilty. 

When my sobs subside, I realize what I've done. I've reached the waterfall. I'm practically standing under it. 

My breath stops. Do I trust myself? Hesitantly, my hand stretches forward to touch the curtain of water. Stinging faucets of water hit my hand. I thrust my other hand into the current. 

A whoop of elation surges in my chest. I did it! I did it! I laugh, elation flowing through me. 

I recede from the pounding fall of water, and swim victory laps around the pool. A chorus of upset frogs fills the air. Good! I have cheerleaders! Nocturnal birds join the fray. 

I'm happy. I'm happy for myself. 

After the excitement leaves me, I float on the surface of the water. 

The moonlight reflects of my bare body. I wonder what I look like from above. A sprawl of overlapping vessels, a soft chaos of flesh, a maze of bone and teeth. The stars staring down at me don't have an answer.

I stare back, at those icy pinpricks of distant light. The ghosts of blazing monarchs. They have the curse of time. My life will end in the blink of an eye; humans aren't meant to last forever. We do not have an eternity. They must endure lifetimes. 

I try to imagine the immensity of forever, but it's nearly impossible. 

I stop, and just let my mind wander to distant thoughts and dreams. 

The moon, the stars, and the night all watch expectantly. 

Of course, my thoughts wander to a certain young man. Roshan, who is sleeping soundly in the warmth of the cot. Roshan, who is dreaming. Roshan, who might be dreaming of me. 

Instead of repressing these thoughts, I let them happen. Tonight is a night full of possibilities. It is pregnant with dreams. 

Dreams. What is my dream? I'm not really sure. 

My thoughts wander back to Roshan. I think about our kiss. What did it mean? 

I think about what it felt like. The warmth of his kiss comes back to me. The strength in his arms as he held me is irresistible. 

A strange ache spreads in my lower belly and navigates south. I haven't explored that part of myself yet. After what happened, is it right to? 

Troubled, I stand in the water. 

I'm about to swim to the shore, when I catch sight of two blazing eyes. 

They glare at me, unflinching. Slowly, they grow larger and larger. They're moving towards me, I dumbly realize. 

Out of the brush steps the tiger. As before, he is magnificent. The moonlight glints silver off this rich black stripes. In the nighttime, the russet of his pelt is muted. He looks calmer, tamer, even if his eyes continue to scorch everything in his sight. 

The tip of his tail flicks in arrogance.  His massive paws stalk forward on the sandy soil. 

I remember that tigers can swim. 

Panic sinks its claws into me. Yet... he did scare easily the last time, right?

I don't hesitate.

I throw my arms around me wildly, splashing as nosily as I can. My mouth opens in a shout. 

The tiger stills, eyes widening in sudden fear. His whiskers twitch before he races back into the underbrush. 

I laugh, scaredy cat.  

A good ten minutes pass before I haul myself out of the water. I dress quickly, and race back home. 

My thoughts are clear and wild as I near the hut. Unbelievably, the sun hasn't risen yet. I stand in the doorway. 

My thoughts seem too far and untamed to be contained in blankets. My body is weary, even if my mind isn't. I move towards the cot. Roshan is still quietly sleeping. I guess he couldn't have heard me in the forest, right? I hope so.

I crawl under the covers, and ease into the black plasma of sleep.