Nevermore

Chapter 10

Thank you to my lovely readers you have continued to support me! Your contributions mean a lot. I appreciate positive feedback as well, because I'd like to improve my writing (mostly character development). I'm trying really hard to have a strong, independent female lead who doesn't need a love interest to be happy, but who is also an adolescent exploring new emotions. 

XOXOXO 

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When I wake up, Roshan is nowhere to be found. Despite the attraction I felt to him last night, I'm glad I didn't have to face him in the morning. 

I arch my body off the bed and stretch my limbs towards the sky. Dark hair falls into my face. Groggily, I push it back into place.

The memory of last night seems more like a dream. Moonlight soaked clearings don't exist in real life, but I can't forget Roshan's eagerness and my wariness. I can't forget his beautiful features lit by the moon, or his deep voice imploring me to release strange thoughts from my head. 

I shake all this away, and stand to find some food. 

Considerate as ever, he's left bread on the table accompanied by some fruit. The water pitcher is full. I eat in silence, listening to hear if he is outside. All I can make out is bird song. I let my mind empty, and focus on the primal necessity of eating. 

A fog seeps into my mind. A misty, dense fog that sifts through all my thoughts. It taints everything. I feel unclean. Shuddering, I try to push the fog away, but how can you move air? Everything feels tight, unwelcome. 

I need to be clean. I decide I need a bath.

Despite Roshan's advice, I stumble into the forest to find the waterfall. 

Time is nonexistent. I'm not quite sure how I manage, but I soon recognize the pounding water. The smooth rocks are as welcome as ever. This time, the falls aren't lit by sunlight. The sky above is a blank gray. 

I tear off my clothes. The water moves up my ankles, to my knees, my thighs. For a moment, I stand there, suspended. The tumult of my roiling mind is overbearing. I want to scream, but find the sound dies in my throat.

Why can't I do scream? Why can't I do the simplest things? 

I dive into the pool. The water is still warm, but has an cool undercurrent. I swim to the edge of the waterfall. My dark eyes glare into the frothing curtain of water. How easy would it be to throw myself under the current? How long would it take to drown? 

Hesitantly, I let my fingertips graze the falling water. It stings the sensitive flesh. I welcome the pain- anything to keep from feeling the cold numbness. Before I know what's happening, I've ducked my head under the powerful current. The pressure of the water pushes me under. Raging water fills my nostrils. I can't breathe. I don't panic. In fact, I'm calmer than I thought I would be. 

I'm not aware of the burning of my lungs. I've only been under water for a few seconds, I think. Has it been seconds? Why not hours? Why not years?

I don't care. Time is a human construct. I want to escape time. My muscles relax. 

These thoughts distract me from another pulling, tugging sensation. 

I'm being torn from the water. Somebody is pulling me from my only solace. I don't want to leave the comforting immanence of the water. I kick. I scream. I claw. None of this matters. Strong arms are heaving at my waist. They wrap my in a strong embrace, and free me from the waterfall's power. 

I can feel strong legs pummeling the water next to me. My captor is trying to drag us both to shore. He's stronger than I am. They're always stronger than I am. I give up my fight. What's  the point? 

Roshan pulls himself and I up onto the large stones scattered around the water's edge. I don't thank him. I can't even look at him. Instead, I let my glassy gaze unfocus. He's trying to tell me something. He's shouting, but I can't hear a word.

What? What do you want from me? I ask myself. 

I turn away from him. My head falls onto the smooth stone under me. I'm tired, so, so tired. 

Roshan is trying to shake me, to rouse me. He doesn't understand that I don't want to be roused. 

Instead, I let my world fade into nothing. 

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For awhile, I am drifting. I am not here, or there. I'm not even in no where. I do not exist in any world. I should not exist in any world. 

I sleep, endlessly. 

Occasionally, a deep voice will try to tell me something, but I don't let it. I don't respond. 

I do not feel hunger, thirst, or even sadness. I am just a body. An empty body. Nevermore.

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Through my haze, I can make out the most beautiful shade of gold. It rages through me, burning away the fog. 

I could follow it, but I've come to appreciate the numb shroud in my mind. 

Yet... 

That strange amber is so warm, and so gentle. 

I'd like to touch it. I'd like to let it envelope me. 

Slowly, I reach out. 

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On the fifth day, I emerge from my depression. 

 A golden haze is the first thing I notice. My eyes haven't fully focused, and I debate whether I should just let them glass over. It'd be so, so  much easier. Yet... 

Something cool and wet is being pressed against my lips. I willingly open my mouth and take sips of refreshing water. As the water cascades down the back of my throat, the fog in my mind slowly drifts away. Water is cleansing. I glance up at fiery irises. I suppose fire is clean, too. 

Roshan doesn't speak, and I don't either. 

This is what we've run back to: silence, 

His lips are slightly parted, and his eyes are open in wonder. Finally, he gathers himself. 

"You're back," he smiles softly.

Am I? 

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Alright! That was a dark chapter, but I wanted to include it. Hopefully you were not deterred by it, and will continue to read my story. Things are going to get happier, but Nisha has a long road ahead! :)

For those of you suffering from mental illness, low self-esteem, or loneliness: You are not alone. You are loved. You are heartbreaking-ly beautiful creature, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

XOXOXO