PULL (BXB)

I Didnt Think I was Ready

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***Sebastian's POV***

Watching Mark sleep is one of my favorite pastimes. He is so adorable. His hair has a wild personality of it's own as he dreams of whatever is causing the small smiles that form every so often on his face, causing those smile lines that improve his sex appeal in droves. His cinnamon strands have misplaced themselves into messy spikes in some areas and tiny swirls in others. The look of peace on his face makes me feel like he is in a happy space. I love knowing that he is relaxed, resting. He has earned it.

I lay on my forearm with my hand tucked behind my head, just watching as he gently breathes. The tiny flutter of his eye lashes makes his masculine features take on a very youthful glow. My fingers itch to stroll along the stubbled path of his jaw line. In all honesty, I just want to cover him with kisses until he awakens to bless me with his beautiful blue eyes.

Holding back the temptation, I tuck my hands further into the crevices that act as restraints. Mark is none the wiser to my desires, my struggles. He sleeps effortlessly as my legs are tangled with his under the cotton sheets. I squeeze his calves just a little bit tighter for reassurance that he is real. It's often hard for me to believe that we have made it this far.

It's not our relationship, per sey, that astonishes me. It's just the amount of obstacles that have risen to stand in our way that amaze me. With each one, Mark has been here to be my stronghold in the thrashing waves of tribulation that we have faced. This man has been my blessing in so many forms.

I always knew that I wanted a family, a husband. That was an easy dream with flames fanned by fantasies. It's nothing to imagine a world where someone loves you. It's effortless to place an invisible placeholder into the empty space in all your untold stories.

It's a whole other world to live it. Breathing in your person, feeling the touch of their fingertips upon your skin, that's where magic happens. Suddenly, life is poured into the imaginary form. You find yourself standing in wonderment of exactly what you have obtained.

When rolling over in the morning, to open your eyes, becomes exciting, replacing the dread of facing another empty day, that's when you feel it deep in your bones. That's where love wraps it's arms around you. That's when every moment of pain is suffocated, snuffed out by the reality of prayers that have been answered. That's when you finally understand why your mom is still single after losing the love of her life.

Simply put, I couldn't imagine a life where Mark and I do not exist. We just are. It's absolutely crazy but, we just are.

What I never accounted for in all my youthful worlds that I built for my future, was cancer. You always think it can't be you. If one out of ten get it, you must be in the nine that does not. It's common sense, right. You have to be in ninety percent. You couldn't possibly be the one. What sense would that make?

Perfect sense. It has to be someone. It had to be me.

In the early stages of my diagnosis, denial was my friend. As the pain settled into my bones, as the weakness took my breath, as every day of watching myself morph into something foreign to me passed, the denial was replaced with fear. Tangible, living, breathing anxiety filled me. I started counting stars, wondering how many would burn away before I myself became a fading light in this beautiful world. I began to accept that I may not get my dreams.

That's when you make way for sorrow, depression and finally death. It's like you step to the side to let the angel of death take his rightful place leaving you a soulless body where you were once so full of hope, vigor and life. That's when you cave to the statistics. You have doubt that this could go any way aside from the worst. You begin preparing for the inevitable.