43: Realisation

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Previously: On the way home, Shuichi promises Kaede that they will go to the arcade after school. However, a girl called Kyoko suddenly starts talking to him about her friend "Makoto" and "Sayaka chan" eventually making Kaede extremely jealous.

T/W: Self Hate & Self Harm

Kaede's POV:
It's becoming clear now. It's just becoming clear. Whenever Shuichi is at school, he doesn't even pay attention to me with others and they all divert their attention to him.

Somehow, this bitch aka Kaede Akamatsu was some normal child with a normal life, to a popular girl, to a girl living with a boy, to nothing. I'm selfish, fuck I know I'm selfish. But I just don't wanna make Shuichi in the same state as he was again.

Everything in the house was silent. A couple hours later Shuichi arrived home and occasionally I heard some of the noises of him playing. Like "wouldn't gliding be faster?" I leaned over to the cold misty window full of darkness. The dark pains created a bit of coolness in my cheek. Although I was practically motionless, my thoughts kept pacing around and it's all about Kyoko.

Sometimes I wish I had "me" time. I would have been at peace if I didn't hear grunts and screams from Shuichi's computer. Later on he started playing out gun noises which made it a lot worse for me.

"Shuichi..." I muttered under my breath hoping at least he would reply to my almost silent words. Nothing. I guess there was no point anymore. "Heh...I guess he no longer needs me."

*ring*

My phone vibrated violently but I guess that was my custom vibration thing I made to fit the rhythm of some piano piece. God I don't even think I'm good at piano. I clutched my skirt nervously and picked up the phone to answer it.

"Hey girrrllll! I saw you walk to school with mommy! Aren't you 16?" The voice definitely did not seem familiar however I somehow recognised the breathing.

"Shut up. Wrong number." I sighed to the mysterious person.

"Ah my bad! My bad! Ah you're Kaede huh? Hmmm I see. My cousin told me lots about you!" Now this mysterious person knows my name. Interesting. I glared at my phone unfazed.

"Huh? How?!"

"I'm from a counselling centre! Or part time since uh I thought you were someone else. But um this girl Kyoko saw you running away from some emo boy. She went up to me as soon as you left ya know? Pretty kind of her huh?" I didn't believe this person somehow. "Now uh I could give you some advice on how to help yourself. See that knife in Shuichi's cupboard? Yeah go get it."

Suddenly I sat there in shock as lumps formed in my throat. No. A counselling service would not do this. Somehow I knew it was one of them.

"What? Who are you? Tsumugi? Maki? Kokichi? Trying to voice act? How terrible..." I spoke in a monotone voice.

"Ah." The person gave a vicious sigh. "You got me. It's Maki Harukawa." I immediately gritted my teeth after finding out those words.

"Your voice acting is so terrible." I mumbled at her unamused. "Take acting classes."

"Ugh. I wanted to get into voice acting you know. But I failed many Instagtram auditions. Like how I auditioned for some role, Nene for some project sekai dub thing and failed. But actually Tsumugi forced me to do it." Honestly yup, that's the typical Tsumugi Shirogane being into them anime rhythm games and rolling for every banner.

"I think you need more emotion!" I ordered her strictly as if I was my drama teacher. "You need to imagine who you are and what situation you're in. And maybe try to do someone your range. Like that range you did trying to be a nice lady sounded obvious you were pretending."

"SHUT IT!" Maki scolded at me. "Now I'm serious ok. Go get that knife. I stalked you with Shuichi earlier and I know exactly what happened. I might be looking out the window you know? There will be consequences if you don't."

"Self harm is-"

"Good. It can benefit you in many ways. Self care is stupid. Go."

"But."

"GO!"

*Kaede ends the call*

Next to me was the closet. As I opened it up, I saw a plastic knife with blood dripping. And then another, a toy knife. I guess this is Shuichi's stuff. The toy knife however attracted me more.

"No No stop it!" I slapped my cheeks to make those negative thoughts go away. I took breaths to regain my composure however my eyes were still attracted to that toy knife.

Gently I picked up the toy knife and twirled it around my hands considering what to do.

"Kaede no. No. No." I tried to stop myself every five seconds. But then...I remembered something...

"Kaede stop it. Stop it with the fake depression."

Father. I'm not depressed. I haven't diagnosed myself nor have been diagnosed. But somehow, I'm just feeling empty. Empty as a bottle. All I know is nothing about myself. Did I even do the right thing about meeting Shuichi? Or did it screw up once I left the Ouma squad? God...I don't know.

Ha...ha...ha...

Does he even need me anymore?

Or should I just...disappear?

A/N: Hey y'all! Yeah don't worry I'm revising for my exams! In theory this was an old chapter I forgot to publish! I've actually done my Spanish speaking exam yesterday and now I'm focusing on my next ones on June 29-8th July (yup I'm on a break from Insta cuz it's toxic). Anyway have A nice day!

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