Unscripted love

31. Reasons and feelings

Can

I open one eye, disconcerted. I'm not in my bed, let alone at home. It's been a long time since I woke up like this, with no bearings. It takes me a few seconds to realize where I am...Demet's flat.

I smile stupidly, pensive, indecisive but finally happy.

Yesterday was a rich day. It's like that, sometimes you drag yourself along for days or even weeks waiting for something to push you forward and then, all of a sudden, in one day, countless events happen that turn everything upside down. And yesterday was one of those days.

An unbearably long time before everything accelerates...

Burak's call to tell me that Seckin was indeed The Raven...

The little surprise birthday party...

Demet's smile, laughter and attention...

Last night she was irresistible. She's always wonderful but there are those moments when I really allow myself to enjoy her, from every angle and yesterday was that. Free of all inhibitions, she allowed herself to be herself. Happy, joyful, close to me.

I should be angry with her, we have so much to sort out, so many things left unsaid, so many secrets. But last night, in front of all her attentions and her smile that lit up every time our eyes met, I couldn't bring myself to speak to her or even to push her away.

And yet we have things to sort out. From the moment we allowed ourselves to fall for each other everything went too fast. No time to say "wow", no time to get to know each other, we were already in each other's arms in a hurry with our crazy lives. We felt like we had known each other forever, everything seemed easy, obvious...and yet events proved how different we were, independent, anxious and ultimately not ready to embark on a real relationship. I know I had a lot to do with this. You can't rewrite the past but you can apply yourself to the future.

I sit back down on the sofa, glancing at the time on my phone, it's 7:12. It's really is my birthday.

I smile as I think back to Demet last night. She's had her fill of champagne. As soon as she sat in the taxi she started to speak incoherently before falling asleep in my arms in less than 10 seconds. I had the hardest time walking her to her door. Half asleep in my arms, I undressed her, tucked her in, and stayed with her for a while, admiring the contours of her soothed face. From time to time she seemed to come to life again, to wake up, she whispered my name and looked for my hand but in the end it was only the jolts of her first, restless sleep. I still smile...

When she finally took a regular breath I went to bed in the living room, still torn between two feelings. The first one, the one that transports me with happiness every day when I see her smile, hear her laugh and let myself be carried away in her world, the one I dream of being part of. This world of gentleness that can turn into a hurricane when she suddenly changes her mind, when she listens to her demons and turns to the dark side. This side that I have been facing since the moment I met her. The one that shakes me and torpedoes my habits.

The second feeling is that she's not totally honest, neither with me nor with herself. The one where she favors individual decisions, the one where she tries against all odds to protect herself. Vulnerability scares her, the feeling of depending on someone to be happy scares her, falling in love scares her. It's difficult to correct childhood traumas. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that...

I get up and walk over to the kettle and put it on. A perfect tea sear to start the day.

I'm interrupted by my phone ringing. I put on my coat and go out onto the terrace. The weather is beautiful even though it's very cool and the view is still breathtaking.