Before my last breath

WEDGIE 🙄

I wipe away my tears and storm around the block. I do this to calm myself down. But after the first few steps I am already tired so I turn back and walk into the shop.

"Howdy!"

What? We are not in Australia are we?

"You mean hello?"

"Well you are a smart one. Loosen up a bit."

"Sorry, Howdy!"

"That's more like it. Let me introduce myself. My name is Mr Rod. But you can call me Wig!"

What..the..fuck? I did not know which one was funnier. Mr Rod or Wig. 

"Hi..um..Wi..heheeh, w...w...heheh, wi...iiii."

"Girl it's not funny just say Wig."

"Sorry may I ask what Wig is short for." 

I can't do this, it's to funny. Okie deep breaths.

"It's short for Wiggie."

I can't contain myself. I try to pull a straight put face but it's too hard.

"PHAHAHA Wiggie, what kinda name is that."

"Okie what's so funny about it." He says this looking a bit hurt, I feel kinda sorry for him.

"Okie, sorry it sounds a bit like.. umm..the word.. wedgie. Heheh."

"Haha, very funny... so may I ask what your name is?"

"It's April." 

"HAHAHAHAHAHHHEHEHEHPHHAHAHAHAH. OMG hehehehehheh lord save me hahahah"

"Umm..uhh. What is so funny about that." I ask this feeling a little offended

"It's umm you know.. the thing.. umm...you know.. April as in the month April... hehe..heh..h."

His laugh trails off 

"Ummmmm."

"Okie fine it's not funny I was just a bit hurt about you laughing about my name, that's all."

"Alright, I am honestly sorry about that. WEDGIEEE."

"GOD how many times it's Wiggie!"

"Okie sorry WIG ."

"RIGHT, let's get your order. What did you order."

"I umm ordered jeans in size **" The reason I blocked out the size number is because I was feeling very self conscious about it.

"Wait, are you sure you did not order the wrong size. Because sweet pea, I know you have to love your body and everything but those jeans are like half the size of your waist."

I was fuming with anger. I had prepared for this. I took out a twenty, and slapped it down on the counter. I grabbed the jeans and walked out.

"Wait.. the cash."

"Keep the change, WEDGIE!" I screamed from outside of the shop

"It's WIGGIE!"

Great two meltdowns in one day and it's only lunch time. Ohhh that's why I am so hungry. Right 

"Pull yourself back together." I say this out loud. So I get a lot of glances.

"What are you looking at?"

I had the jeans, and I had to go home. I could make my salad at home. If I linger around town any longer I will end up ordering 3 portions of fried nuggets with double helpings of chips. With that, I tied the jeans around my waist and ran all the way.... to the end of the road. I then called a cab to take me home. What! I bet you would not jog all the way home after 2 meltdowns and (let me remind you) on an empty stomach. Exactly, that's what I thought!