Hello April

Chapter 6: Stupid Boy

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder; where did I go wrong?

At what moment in my life did I turn into the person I am today? I hate feeling disappointed in myself and sometimes I try to look for someone else to blame, not wanting to accept the fact that I'm the problem.

I live in denial a lot, pretending like the truth isn't my truth. I love to sleep, because living in my dreams feels better than living in the reality. In my dreams I get to do what I want to do and be with who I want to be with, without any of the negative consequences of my actions.

As a hopeless romantic, I enjoy reading romance novels and watching romantic movies. I never understood how anyone could ever cheat on their partner. Why not just break up with who you're currently with and save everyone the pain?

But as I storm away from the lake, where I almost let myself be the person I always hated, I finally understand.

My mind is telling me that Jeremy is the smartest option for me. Jeremy cares about me, he's kind and he's actually a respectful boyfriend. Unfortunately my heart disagrees.

I remember when I met Elias for the first time. I was five years old and I was outside on my new, blue scooter. Elias and his family had just moved into the neighbourhood and I decided to ride my scooter past their house. Elias was sitting by the curb, watching me pass by with an angry look on his face.

I stopped next to Elias and asked him what was wrong, but didn't expect him to turn the question around.

"Why do you have a blue scooter? That's a boys colour." Elias said to me bitterly. I looked down at my new scooter and frowned.

"It's my favourite colour and I'm a girl, so it can't be a boys colour." I stepped down from the scooter and folded my arms over my chest.

"It is a boys colour," Elias decided, not giving in. I only knew of one thing to say to a stubborn boy, something I said to Adam daily.

"Want to wrestle?" I clenched my hands into fists and let the scooter fall onto the ground.

"I don't wrestle stupid girls." Elias had fired back as he stood up on his feet.

"I'm not stupid, you're stupid." I stomped my foot onto the ground and grabbed my scooter before riding it back home. All day I complained to my dad about the stupid boy in our neighbourhood.

After that day I couldn't get the stupid boy out of my life or out of my heart.

And here I am, storming away from the stupid boy after I almost stupidly let him get in my stupid head.

"April, what's wrong?" Jeremy asks as he tries to follow me.

"I just need a moment, okay?" I turn around to look at Jeremy, pleading him to let me go on my own. Jeremy gives me a small nod and awkwardly goes back into the lake. For a second my eyes catch Elias staring right at me. Shaking my head, I turn my heel and walk away from my friends.

Perhaps the reason I'm having so much trouble managing my feelings for Elias, is the fact that now I'm devoted to someone else. I used to be able to pine over him, thinking there's no harm in dreaming if its never going to happen. But now even dreaming feels like a crime.

I know that technically I haven't done anything worth calling "cheating", but nevertheless, my heart feels heavy. Feeling like I'm keeping secrets from everyone around me and I don't know where to channel all that guilt.

I would like to believe that I'm good at choosing the right option, but as I pace around our camp, I'm dumbfounded.

My skin feels like it's burning and freezing at the same time. Needing a hug and for someone to hold me, but the person I want to hold me is the soul reason for this feeling.