Regrets ; a.i

Regret 19: Love - Part 1

I had to put this into two parts 'cause all together it was like over 8000 words, whoops sorry. Anyways, here is the chapter I feel like so many people have been waiting for. Don't hate me, I love you xx I'll update part two in a few hours or something ?

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I sit in my chair and bounce my leg up and down as I wait for her. She walks over and takes a seat across from me and I smile and she smiles back.

"How are you today?" She asks.

I pause, my smile fades and I shrug. "I want to say really good, but I don't know if I can. Like, I saw Ashton the other day and he told me he still liked me. I mean, I don't get why he'd do that since we're both with someone else now. Like, I'm finally happy and moving on, but it's like the universe clearly doesn't want me to. It's like 'oh you've moved on? Let's see what we can throw at you now so you can have move trouble', it just isn't fair." I laughed at myself because that must've made me seem slightly crazy.

She smiled at me. "Maybe this is like a final test. You know, this is where you finally decide whether or not you want to let go and move on, or give back in." She suggests. She has a point, but I didn't like how she made it sound, even if that's how I feel it is.

Give back in. Like I was going back to a drug, or an old bad habit, something I know I'm better without, but I just can't let go of. Was this like that? Ashton felt like a drug, he was addicting and everything about him left you wanting more and never to let go. But, am I actually better without him?

I look up at her and simply shrug. "I guess, I'll have to decide that on my own," which I would. "But for now, I don't really want to talk about it." It was so fresh and I needed a bit more time to organize my thoughts, maybe even write pros and cons. I don't know, but I didn't want to talk about it...

She nods slowly and hums. "So, is there anything you'd like to talk about today?" She asks.

I frown and think before I nod. "Yeah, there's one thing I haven't talked about yet. One thing I'm sure you may have even wondered about. The reason why Ashton and I broke up and why he broke my heart."

Her eyes widen slightly and she nods seeming eager to know. "Oh okay," she responds then nods, again, and waits for me start.

I take a deep breath before I prepare to tell the first person what happened that night, but I think I'm finally ready to talk all about it, and for it not to completely bother me...

~ Flash Back ~
// August 31st, 2015 //

I groaned as I fell back down onto my bed and let my body sink into mattress. I ran my fingers through my mess of brown hair and shut my eyes tightly. What was I supposed to do.

I'm in love with a guy, an amazing perfect guy, but I don't know if I should tell him or not. I don't know how to tell him. I wanted to tell him, fuck, I felt like I needed to tell him. But, the nerves that rushed through my body every time I even thought about telling him overwhelmed me. These nerves consumed me as of the moment, and they were what were going to stop me from telling him.

I was so worried that he wouldn't say it back, that he didn't love me in return. All of me wanted to believe he felt the same way, but the whole time these past few months I knew I was more over my head than he was. Well, almost all the time I was convinced.

I groaned obnoxiously loud, once again, before I pushed myself off my bed. I was going to see him again, later today. Ashton insisted that we spend every last day I have at home together, even though I'm pretty sure I won't be leaving. Or so I hope, since I haven't started packing yet. If I was going, I would be leaving within the next few days and I should have almost everything packed by now. I was counting on my mom to pull through, to do this one thing for me. For her to put the guys and drinking down, and focus on getting me to stay.