Hopeless

Drip.

It's been about 3 weeks since Jesse left. All I've been doing is cooking with Berg, Nadisha and sadly Jesse, but I ignore him everytime. I've just been spending my money on useless shit. I've been hooking up with Badger, I think that he thinks I'm into him, but it's just meaningless sex. That's been happening a lot, with random guys, but mostly Jesse's crew. I try to forget about him but it doesn't help when I have to see him every so often.

I walk into my bathroom and take a breath. I roll up my sleeve and pull my razor out. I cut a line into my skin and watch the blood drip. I deserve this. I'm nothing right now but a useless junkie. I look at my arm, track marks, scars, scabs that are trying to heal, the freshest cut, and my rose tattoo that's been scarred to shit.

I pull off my clothes and step into the shower, letting the hot water seep into my cut, and burn it. I wash everywhere, trying to make myself feel clean. I don't. I don't think I ever will again. I start crying, thinking of Jesse. Hoping he's doing some good for himself.

I turn off the shower, and get changed. I go downstairs and sit on my couch, shooting up. I hate myself so much. I look at myself and noticed how much weight I've lost, I've been not eating properly. I hear a knock at my door, I open it and see Berg.

"Fuck off. I'm busy or something." I tell him, slightly slurred.  I notice Jesse's car. Ugh.

"No, we have to cook."

I pull Berg inside.

"Why did you bring him here.?" I ask.

"We need to cook, and we need you, I think Jesse needs some assurance that you haven't died."

"Not interested."

He grabs my sleeve and it rolls up, showing my cuts.

"Jess, why?"

"Fuck off, I don't need you here." I spin around and walk, but I'm being dragged outside, and into Jesse's car. I stare out the window, and Nadisha buckles up my seatbelt because I don't. I pull out a bag, of already crushed meth and snort it quietly.

I ignore the sound of talking. But Jesse's voice pierces through every so often.

"Who's product are we cooking today?" I ask, my voice slightly cracking .

"We're going to combine them, to get a higher purity." Berg says.

I sigh and look out the window. We needed 120 pounds in the next two weeks. Combining them is going to make it take longer.

We arrive at the lab, and I walk in , down the concealed stairs. Berg gives us a run down, and we get to work. I glance over at Jesse and Nadisha, the two exchanging smiles, and conversation, and I feel a pang of jealousy.

Hours pass, and the silence gets interrupted by my phone ringing. I pull off my gas mask and answer it.

"Yeah?"

"Hey Jess."

"Hey Badge, what's up?"

"Wanting to know if you wanted to hang out, I've got some new shit to try, wanted to try it with you."

"I'm kinda busy, maybe tomorrow?"

"What are you doing?"

"Cooking, what else to I do?"

"You're like always cooking."

"Uh-huh, bye Badger." I put my phone back and notice Jesse was looking at me. I turn away and get back to work.

We finish up quite a fee hours later, I manage to pocket a bit of meth. Why should I pay street dealers for my own product? I leave the lab and start walking home. I notice Jesse's car driving beside me. I pull out a headphone.