Hopeless

Blinded

I feel myself building up anger, I start to walk towards Jesse, when I feel a hand grab my arm and pull me back. For the second time today I feel myself being led, not caring where I was going. I feel myself walking up stairs, then being sat down on a bed. I feel a glass being pushed at my lips. I feel my hand take the glass and down the shot.  I feel tears forming.

"Jayjay hey, don't cry, he's not worth your tears."

I blink a couple times and snap back to reality. I see Badger, Skinny, and Combo standing in front of me, in the same room we were in before. There were lines spread out on the table. I bend down to take one.

"Guys it's fine, just get back to the party. I'm okay."

"It's not fine, you're crying." Combo wipes a tear off my face.

"I..." I stop to think of what I'm going to say, chugging the blue drink. " I think I deserve this."

"Why would you deserve this?"

"Because I fucked up, Jesse cared about me and I just screwed around and shoved it in his face. He let me in, and I just played with his feelings. Badger told me this would happen."

"Jayjay come on. Jesse's just like this." Combo put his hand on my shoulder.

The door to the room opened.  Adam walked in and closed the door behind him.  " Yo you guys wanna buy some E?"

"All my money is at home Adam" I stand up and walk towards him. "And since when did you start selling?"

"Been selling for a while, along with Jesse's shit."

" Yeah? Well you're cut from our shit then. Sell your own shit, bitch." I get in his face and glare at him.

"Woah, Jessica, chill. I'm making money for Jesse, you can't just cut me off like this."

"You're making money for us, so you have a simple choice to make. You either sell our shit, or yours. And the name's Jayjay."

" You can't make these decisions, I'm gonna find Jesse and talk to him." Adam turns and leaves.

"What a bitch. Whatever I'm done feeling sorry for myself." I walk to the stand and take a line. " Lets get fucked up guys."

"Wait Jayjay." Skinny Pete was reaching under a pillow, he pulled out a bag of meth, a box of bags, and a scale, and tossed them to me. "Jesse said to hook you up."

I put them in my purse and smiled. "Thanks."

We go back downstairs, I top up my drink. "Hey guys, I'm gonna go get some air, it's mad stuffy in here." I walk to the back door of Badger's house and go outside. I light a smoke and sit down on the ground. I see a pair of legs, clad in baggy jeans in front of me.

"Jessica, I've been looking for you all night. Shit, you look damn good." I look up. Shit.

"It sure didn't look like that when you were basically fucking that girl."

Jesse rubs his neck. "You saw that. It wasn't what it looked like."

" Oh yeah. Some bitch on top of you, grinding and sucking your face sure as fuck wasn't that."

"Yo I was making a sale, she just needed some extra convincing. Besides you fucked Badger. Twice. So that should give me like a free pass. We're not even together, so you can't even get mad about this."

" You're an asshole." I stand up and turn to walk away. But Jesse grabs my shoulder and spins me around. " What? Wanna throw more shit in my face?"