Hopeless

Helplessness

But where was Jesse? I look beside the clock and I see the most beautiful thing. Water. A beautiful bottle of water. I grab it and drink it all. It's nice and cold. I get out of the bed and almost trip on something. A bong, thankfully not glass and not filled. I make my way to the door of the bedroom and open it. The smell of something absolutely delicious hits my nose. But it can wait. Right now I need to urinate really badly. I make my way to Jesse's bathroom, and do the business as usual.

I fill up the water bottle and drink it all again, then fill it up again, and I look at my hair and shit, it's everywhere. I look in the bathroom for a brush... Of course not. Jesse looked like he never brushed his hair. Well I guess this will have to do.

I make my way downstairs, and Jesse's already awake and full of energy.

" Morning yo. I got us pizza, want some?" He was grinning.

" Hell yeah I want some pizza. Hey thanks for this," I hold up the water bottle, " I get like super thirsty."

I sit down and grab a slice, and pretty much devour it. I grab a smoke and light it, then look at Jesse, " Uhm last night did we y'know , fuck?"

"What?" Shit he seems angry, " Do I seem like the kind of person who takes advantage of a girl who's like two years younger than me while she's drunk and doing meth for the first time? I ain't that guy, but you seemed to have no problem fucking Badger who's like 4 years older than you?!"

" Jesse what the Hell man? I didn't accuse you, I just, the night is hazy to me, and besides, I'm the same fucking age as you, 18, remember we both failed?" I glared at him, taking a drag. " And what the fuck? I thought Badger didn't matter. Then you act like he's scum to you?" Why am I getting so defensive?

" For your information princess, I carried you, fucked out of my mind to my bedroom, covered you, and slept facing the other direction. I made sure you were okay." He looked like he could cry.

" Whatever man, I gotta go home, and relax, and yeah." I go upstairs and go to the bathroom. Where the fuck is my sweater? I run back downstairs. " Pinkman where is my shit?"

He was already holding it, and throws it at me. I pull it on, grab my bag and leave.

Oh shit. Why didn't I pay any attention on the drive here? I walk back to Jesse's house and knock on the door. Thankfully he opens it.

"What?" He's glaring at me, but those eyes melt my mood a bit.

" I uh. Have no clue how to get home. Can you maybe give me a lift?" I bite my lip nervously.

" Yeah I guess so, hold on." He closes the door, and I'm left outside. I try and smooth out my hair while I wait.

He comes out holding a pair of pants " You forgot these."

" Oh thanks..." We get in his car and I light a smoke.

" So, where are we going?"

" Oh yeah uh, sorry. 4902 Cumbre del Sur Court"

The ride passes in full silence this time, and we arrive at my house.

" So you have your own house too huh?" Jesse asks.

" Yeah, parents left it to me. Um. Thanks for the ride, and yeah. See you." I get out and wish I didn't. He's driving away and I wish I would have just stayed in his car.

I go inside and throw my keys on the counter, and head upstairs to shower. I peel my clothes, well Jesse's clothes off and step in. Holy shit this is the best shower I have ever taken. I do the usual shower stuff and wrap up in a towel.

I go downstairs and grab my jeans and sweater, and go back up to my room to get dressed. I put on a bra and underwear, black. I grab a black tank top and throw it on, with a pair of sweat pants. I throw my jeans in the laundry, and hear something fall out.

Oh? There's a baggy with meth in it. Shit Jesse. I put it on my dresser, not wanting to do this too much. Instead I grab my bong, pack a bowl and hit it.

Knock knock knock.

Shit. I'm not expecting anyone. I go downstairs and look through the peephole. Oh fuck. I open the door

"Hey Mr. Shrader." I say trying to cover up my nervousness. " What brings you here?" Hank  Shrader is my neighbour, and he's also a DEA agent, who was involved with my parents murder case, since the killers were crackheads, and I have probably a bad amount of meth, sitting on my dresser.

"Jessica. Good to see you. I noticed that for once you light wasn't on all night, and worried that something happened to you." He looks relieved that I'm fine.

" Yeah I just had a school project, uhm do you want to come in?" I'm always really nice to Hank, he was there for me so much after my parents.

"Yeah, sure." He walks in, taking his shoes off at the door. " You been smoking pot in here?"

I go white. "Uhm... Uh what?" No Hank please don't do this.

"Haaaa I'm just messing with you. Why would I bust you over a little weed anyways. " I always get a kick out of Hank's laugh.

" Ah. Thanks. Uhm coffee?" I ask as I go to prepare it.

" Sure. Black. So I'm not here solely for visiting, I've gotta ask you a few questions."  Oh no. I'm not good at questions. I hand Hank his coffee, and invite him to sit.

" Sure, what do you need to know about." I drink my coffee. Mmm delicious.

" Well. There's been a high number of crystal meth being seized at J.P Wynne. I was just curious if anyone has mentioned it to you, or has tried to sell you it. I know you're a good kid and wouldn't get yourself involved in that, but, any leads help." Hank drinks his coffee.

" Mr. Shrader, I"

" Hank, call me Hank."

"Ok, uh Hank. Honestly I don't even know what that stuff looks like." Prior to last night. " I don't even know what the appeal of it would be." It makes you feel amazing. " No one I know has even mentioned it," minus Jesse and Badger. " But if anyone mentions it I'll be sure to let you know." No, I wouldn't.

" Well thanks anyways Jessi. Hey, Walt mentioned, that you and another student, Pinkman, were both absent today. Did something happen?" Aw Hank, you're such a sweetheart.

" No, well, we were up all night preparing for our assignment. I guess we lost track of time, and we crashed at like... seven a.m. and yeah. He drove me home. Tell Mr. White I'll be there tomorrow."

" Yeah, will do. I gotta run, Marie started dinner already. Thanks for the help." He puts his coffee down and leaves.

I go to my backpack and pull out my chemistry work, head up to my room, and start writing. I look up and my dresser and see it. I get up and pull out a lighter, and empty the contents of the bag on my dresser. Why does doing this feel so normal? I sniff the line I created and sit on my bed. I pull out a smoke and light it, and look at the time. 8:34. Oh.

I walk downstairs and pull out some sandwich materials, and make a PB&J, then head back upstairs. 9:08 Ugh.

I snort more meth and lay down and close my eyes.

Jesse is lying beside me, running his fingers through my hair. I sigh and cuddle up to him.

"Jesse wha you doin?" I can barely talk.

" Hey, it's okay, just go to sleep, I'm here for you ."

" Jess don go away don wan lose you," Oh no.

"Jessica I'm not going anywhere, just go to sleep." He smiles, and then it's dark.

And I feel him holding me, and I feel content.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEP!