Yes, I'm depressed

XII

TW; mentions of emotional abuse, mentions of suicide. These are honest thoughts and not in anyway written to romanticize any of the following.

Been a while huh. Honestly this is just a rant about me. If you relate in some way or another then this is a free place for you to get it out there, judgement free.

Emotions. Emotions are wild. Our mind is wild. Music is magical. Dance is magical. They can hold so much control over your thoughts and feelings.

Songs like Without Me by Halsey and Best Thing I Never Had by Beyoncè paired with such incredible choreography and when you can see the emotions those dancers put into it it's truly mesmerising.

It's 4.05am as I'm writing this by the way. The mind has such an odd way of expressing itself, it's probably why I use dance as a substitute. Especially when the mind creates these heart-wrenching scenarios, they're not real and yet they hurt so much.

2020 was a fucking nightmare and quite a few of my family members passed away that year, I never knew them, I've always been distant when it comes to my family hence why I never really acknowledged their deaths or really cared which sounds sick but it is what it is. I usually don't allow my emotions to see the light of day but at the early hours whilst it's dark and watching extremely emotionally evoking art, I can't help but focus on those deaths. I also can't help but think about Naya since yesterday was the 13th and as some may know that was when they found her body back in July last year and that shit hurts because just a few days before that incident she was breathing and happy with her son. So those things definitely fuelled the thoughts.

4.30am

Oddly enough, it wasn't the death of those people that was brought to mind from listeing to the words of songs and movement to them but the idea of my mum or dad dying. I feel shitty for crying over them.

One, because they aren't even dead but my mind has it's ways. Two, because my mum, despite how much she's provided me, made me feel like shit; all those insecurities and fear of being harmed stemmed from her. My dad isn't reliable, as I'm sure some people may be able to relate to. He made me question my worth, he still does (wow I really am letting it all out, if u made it this far I'm sorry). With that ache of losing a parent is anger because why the fuck should I be crying over these people that have made me feel like shit and contributed to me nearly ending it all? Why the fuck am I wasting tears on them? Ffs it's not even real life and yet here I am, as I'm writing this, with tears going down my face. It's stupid.

My mind had me in an online dance class with SVN (or Seven). These girls really got me through 2020 and... the more I think about it, the more I realise that I owe them my life because they themselves and the people I met through them gave me a reason to carry on.

4.45am

They made me happy and I'll forever be grateful to them. During this class we were all put into groups between four out of Seven of the women; Aimie, Grace, Millie and Jaye'J. I was put into Jaye'Js group, I didn't mind, I've been taught by them all so was familiar with their teaching style. It was an out of body experience, as most of these things tend to be. I wasn't smiling, I couldn't smile even with Seven right there. We learnt the choreo, it was a contemporary piece, it was emotional, it was beautiful. We took turns showing everyone's groups until it was us.

We had our videos pinned and we were told to "dance our hearts out" and "put all your emotions into it" and I did. When it came to the freestyle, I recognise myself doing this battle of control, the movement of water, the suffocation. A crash. All for different reasons.

4.55am

I don't know why but I always pictured  myself having a twin brother. I've always wanted a brother around my age, someone to help me through and have a better understanding of how I feel. A boy that I could trust. We freestyle together until I could both feel and see myself getting overwhelmed. Until the wall broke and with it so did I. I just broke down in his arms then and there. I could see and I could hear the girls concern as I just sat there, crying over these people which either didn't know of my existence or helped make me into the broken person I am today.

5am

My brother held me as we moved closer to the screen, me hiding my head in his neck as I saw people commenting love... towards me but they didn't make me feel better. I just gave a small smile and acted like nothing happened even as my face was wet and my arms were wrapped around my imaginary brother.

I think I'll stop there. But yh, the mind is wild and should never be underestimated. Also I'll be okay. For those that may understand these feelings, don't hesitate to message me or share here and just get it out. With that being said, good night.

5.05am

-AC