Unexpected

Part 14: Confession

Silence fills a the space for a few moments as Helen tries to grab her thoughts.

They're flying all about her like bats in the night. She can hear them, but she can't nor wants to see them.

"It's not Nightingale or Transference Syndrome..." She says after a deep sigh."

"Okay."

"See...I can understand why one might think that...but it can't be that."

"Alright. Care to explain a bit?" He asks and she looks around and then looks at his neck tie. The periwinkle paisley pattern near dancing on his shirt as she feels her stomach churn.

"I...I constantly live with this...this fear. This fear of lo...losing people."

"Alright, when did that all start? With Mo?"

"N...no. Back in my university years- I...um...I had this guy friend, David. We had been dating for three years and broke up one night on mutual terms." She says and Iggy nods understandingly. "One night during this bad storm I was driving down this campus street and I saw him and his new girlfriend, April. I offered them a ride and we went off. They had been drinking and were in the backseat—you know—making out. I took my eyes off the road for only a second and that was just enough to blow through a stop sign and this car from the intersection t-boned me on the passenger side."

Sighing heavily, Iggy looks between her eyes and can see them tearing up.

"They weren't wearing their seatbelts and April died on impact and David suffered a massive brain bleed and passed away three days later. No one blamed me for it...but I did. I went to confession every Sunday for the next two years to try and rid myself of that guilt. One day I woke up and it was gone some how. I came to NYU to finish school and started at the Dam when I met Mo. We...we were making love the night his aneurysm burst and killed him. He was tired and I hadn't...you know- got off- so I begged him to just keep going- so he did and...huh...if I had just let him go to bed. If I wasn't greedy he might still be here. He might've lived a few more years than I had given him."

She starts crying and Iggy is about to get up and console her when she bursts.

"And then with Georgia! It should've been me!!! Max wouldn't have been so lost and depressed and alone if I would've been the one who died in that accident. Every time I try to do something right or live without care- someone I love ends up getting hurt. Now Max is going to be struggling for...long time because he felt he needed to save me and I didn't deserve it. I had been so mean to him- upset because he was moving on with someone else, who probably deserves him more than I do."

"Helen...Helen stop." Getting up and going to her, he pulls her into his arms and rubs her back gently. "You shouldn't feel guilty about any of that. You didn't kill David, April, Mo, or Georgia. All of them were accidents that are not on you. Have you ever told Max...about...about feeling survivors guilt?"

Shaking her head, he sighs heavily and pulls back just a bit.

"Helen, survivors guilt is a serious thing. You've obviously been struggling with it for years. What has happened is your body is now building that wall around you to keep people out. To keep you safe. To keep you thinking you're protecting Max and everyone else you come in contact with. But you don't have to protect yourself or anyone else. You're allowed to care about people and let them in and you're certainly allowed to let them love and care for you. You deserve love."

"I love Max, Iggy..."

"And he loves you too, Helen."

"Does he? Because I think I warped his mind into thinking that- when that couldn't possibly be true."