Dear Journal...

I Don't Know..

Lately I've been kind of sad, but I don't know why. I was laughing one minute, then, I get to thinking.
About my grades.
They're good. I'm good.
For now.
About my friends.
They look happy, laughing together.
But I recently just had an argument with one of them. (#1)
I think.
That's when she sat with my other friend. (#2)
I started to focus on the teacher again.

Then I got to thinking.
Then I noticed.
The seat next to me is empty.
That's right.
She's with her.
It's okay, I'm not jealous. I'm not the jealous type.
I'm just sad.
But I'm happy because my friends are smiling, one of them just recovering from recent sadness.
Then why am I sad?

I don't know..

Then comes the next day.
I get to thinking..
Today's a new day.
Today will be better.
I see her walking towards me.
I compliment her.
I reach out for a hug.
Then....😞
She passes me.
Why did she do that?
Was she sad?
Was she overwhelmed by her personal issues?
Was she mad at me?
Did she just not see me?
No. She saw me.
She looked straight at me, walking down the aisle.
So what was it?
I don't know...
All I know is.... My heart sank.

Later on....
Fuck! I forgot my money for the trip! I had twenty dollars on my nightstand!,😒😒
I ask around for extra cash.
"No, sorry."
"I calculated it down to the last penny!"
"Yeah, but I won't have money for lunch."
Okay...
Why would I do this to myself??
I've gotta be more responsible.
Then we get to our seats at the movies.
My friend (#2) is sitting behind me.
Then I look behind me again.
She's getting up.
She's going to the back with my other friend (#1).
But wait! Wait! Come sit here! Don't leave meee!!
Too late.
She's gone.
Again.
Wait...
I hear my name being called!
But it's too dark to see...
I look behind me to find them.
I can't see!
I can't find them!
Where are they??
I don't fucking know.

And once again, I get sad.
I don't know why, it just happened.
I started taking to the teacher I highly respect.
Then my friend (#2) and I start laughing like a couple of potheads.
I'm okay... For now.
We're walking.
We're walking.
We are FUCKING WALKING.
I know. You get it.
I'm talking to my friend(#1) and then...
As usual.
She left me alone again.
I tried to find someone to talk to.
Okay,
I'm sorry. I like attention.
But it was short lived.
My friends, laughing again.
So I wanna make one laugh. (#2)
I say some jibberish like I'm on some type of crack,
She laughs.
I do it some more. I laugh.
Then I look up.
Damn. It's so cold.
She left me again.
I look for friend number one.
She looks upset.
I know she's not.
And I trust her.
But we left on a good note that day.
What made her wanna exclude herself?
I don't know.

We are entering the warmth of the school.
Friend number one is holding the door.
I say thank you and try to hug her.
She pushes me away.
.....
Why?😢
I don't fucking know.

Does she have any idea of how people feel when you do that to someone?
Like they don't love you.😞
Like they don't like you.😪
Like you have a disease.😔
A curse.😫
And they don't want to catch it.😒
Like they hate you in that moment.😢
If she does, why would she wanna do that to anyone?
I don't know.

But I kept smiling.
Because report cards were coming.
My grades.
They're good.
I'm good.
I guess.
I check in on friend number one.
She almost ignores me.
But I kept on moving.
Why?
Like I said,
I don't know why.