Dear Journal...

Can I Vent?

Okay .. So, I loathe the emotion and passion I put into this journal. More than I ever thought I would. However, I can't control the things I feel for the life of me. So, instead of punching, snapping, cutting, or worst of all, crying, I write. And it all ends up here. Since I can't step anymore until another opportunity pops up, this is my outlet.
As much as I've been through it, I still don't understand some things. I still don't understand why internal pain is worse then external pain. Why external pain heals so much quicker than internal pain does. Why it still hurts when close friends give up on me. How much it stings to feel the cold moisture of tears, running down my cheeks, and eventually I taste the pain I've held in for so long. Pain.
How does is feel? To have family that's actually blood? To have the luxury of not having to worry what your next meal is gonna be? To know your current little brother or sister? Not being betrayed? To have a father? To live with both of your parents? To be completely and utterly happy, without even trying to? Please, tell me how that feels.
Drained. That's what I might me. Disappointed, indifferent, exhausted. Just from emotions. From hiding everything from, everybody. My mother & my brother. My boyfriend. My bestfriends. The list is small, yes, everyone I love. Everybody else that used to be on it left me & didn't care how I'd turn out.
And look how I did turn out, I'm fine. Introverted, but fine. Nobody needs to be burdened with the emotions and predicaments that I need to handle myself. So I keep to myself, work by myself, that's just who I am. Just independent. A lone wolf. Even if I did display my feelings, with the exceptions above, nobody would help. Nobody would empathize. Nobody would care. They'd criticize, yes. They'd interfere, yes. They'd manipulate, yes. They would definitely black mail the shit out of you, too. Once they see you in a vulnerable state, they weaken you even more, until you are nothing. Then they walk away. Leave you for dead. And they'd never come back. So you have to clean up the mess.
That's why I fuck with nobody but myself for the most part, why I stopped caring if I got hurt. I'll never give myself up for anybody anymore, cuz when they switch up, I'll give up on them just like they'd do me. 💋
~ 💛🤘🏾