𝗦𝗰𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗹 🤍

•𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗸 𝗛𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗹•

•💧•

Nikki's POV

After Doc left me alone outside I began to lose the inner battle against the voice in the back of my head saying Vince deserved better than me, that Doc's right, he'd be better off if we broke up.

I don't want to listen... but the irrational part of my brain can't help it because it's how I feel, it's how I've felt since getting clean as much as I suppress it it's the truth, Vin is too good for me. I can't forgive my for how I treated him, I was meant to be his boyfriend and I hardly acted like it for months.

I chose a drug over him. Who does that?

Vince was one of the only reasons I kicked heroin, he was the only reason I was alive, it it wasn't for him I wouldn't have a good enough reason to carry on. When I turned up at his house after I overdosed and saw the state he was in, I didn't know what to say... I just knew it that moment I had to get clean, I didn't want to hurt Vince, I didn't want to put him through losing me... I'm still not used to being loved by someone like that.

It's hard to describe the amount of times I fucked up with Vince while high, I did many things I shouldn't have done- the only thing I never did was cheat on him, it never crossed my mind... so although I pushed him away and chose drugs over spending time with him, in my own fucked up way I did still love him as much as an addict can love something which isn't their addiction.

Still doesn't change much but it's something. It's something I know I did right.

Though it still isn't enough to make me think I was good enough, no matter how much I try and make up for what I've done nothing seems suitable enough.

The only thing which makes sense to me right now is making sure I can never hurt Vin again and breaking it off with the one person I've ever given two shits about.

It's hard to picture a life without Vinnie now, I always thought from the moment we got together we'd be together for the rest of our lives but now with Doc threatening us and him making me feel like shit... I don't think that's gonna happen now.

Being insecure sucks, just saying.

Vin always helps with my many trust issues and self worth issues... he can't ever take how I feel away from me, he can for a few precious moments but nothing long term... those moments mean everything to me though.

I remained outside for a few minutes before deciding I needed to head inside and get back to the meeting, I was seconds away from breaking down into tears from how badly today's turning out to be.

Slowly, I ran my hands down my face and sighed taking a few steps forward making my way towards the door, I pull it open and step back inside shoving my hands into my jacket pockets as I make my way back though the building back to Doc's office.

When at the door I hesitated to open it but did eventually push down the handle and enter the room, all eyes turned to me as I stepped into the room- Doc stared at me as if to remind me of what we'd discussed- as if I need fucking reminding, Doug still looked confused as fuck, even more so than earlier, knowing that he was now the only one out of the loop about something, no doubt he'll ask Doc about it later on, Mick and Tommy were looking at Vince and I questioningly knowing something went down but not sure exactly what- Mick looked at me a little more deeply than Tommy reading that something was bothering me, he sent me a look and I just shrugged telling him to leave it, reluctantly he did.