Blank Slate - Written in the Stars - Heartbeats (Jenlisa Adaptation)

3.18

Heartbeats

'Holding On'

She's chalking it up to sleep deprivation, but Lisa wasn't too sure.

Night had settled down with no change whatsoever in Diana's condition. Jennie too.

Although when Dr. Kwon dropped by, he did say that it was a good sign that Jennie's injuries seem to be healing.

So there was that.

She was back to holding Jennie's hands, she was never letting her go, Lisa told herself that.

"Thanks for outing us." Chaeyoung said as she entered the room handing Lisa a sandwich.

"Thanks. And hey, it's your fault, Chaeyoung-ah. Jennie warned you two they'd get upset over it."

"Yeah, well, it was a spur of a moment decision." Chaeyoung replied as she reclaimed her seat. "How are you holding up? We had another close call with Diana."

"I'm not." Lisa replied truthfully, "She's always been a bit sickly when she was younger, I guess Ivy knew that too that's why she was worried about Diana doing this. But she did it anyways."

"I'll always be thankful for her for that." Chaeyoung replied and for a while they let silence fill the room as they both ate their simple meals. "Hey, Manoban." Chaeyoung said after getting up to throw away the wrapper of both their sandwiches, "Do you ever wonder how things would have been like if we made different decisions in the past?"

"Is that what you were talking about earlier?"

"Yeah, sort of."

"Oh." Lisa said looking thoughtful for a minute or two. "I guess you can say that I do. I wish I didn't waste so much time running away from my feelings for Jennie. I wish I just, I don't know, tried harder? There are times when I wish we could go back to our days in BAC and restart again, or you know, contact my old self and tell her that the girl of my dreams was right in front of me and I should stop messing around and messing it up, tell her sooner. Sometimes I wish I could just turn back time and freeze it during the best moments we shared. But that's impossible, I know. Why are you asking me this now?"

"Sometimes I wish that too. That whatever happens, we had that moment in time where everything was just perfect, and I'd give my all just to hold on to those days, cherish them and let them linger. But we've grown up and we've moved forward. And I hate it, this moment right here, it feels like we're in a standstill and I can't just stay here. I need to move forward but I'm scared of what lies ahead."

"I think I get what you mean." Lisa replied, "Jennie told me that during those five years, it felt like she just moved through the motions of life, wishing for some sort of end to things but she just couldn't let me go."

"She loves you so much, how could she? Since we met you, all I ever hear her talk about is you, and nothing's changed during all these years."

Lisa smiled weakly, "I know. And nothings ever changed with the way I feel for Jennie either. During the time I was away – not sure if I ever told you this but – I never stopped feeling like something was missing, and I kept wishing for an end of things too. Like, to end the suffering of it, of not being with what I yearned for the most. Back then I just told myself to keep moving forward, and I think that's what I'll do now too."

"It'll only get tougher as we move forward though. Have you ever heard of Schrodinger's cat?"

"Is this the cat in the box where they don't know if it is alive or dead until they open the box because of some weird experimental stuff?"

"I'll take that as a yes then." Chaeyoung said, "That's kind of how I feel about now. Right now, two things could happened for Diana and Jennie and all I want is to find out which one of the options would hold true but I'm scared. What if I don't like what's waiting at the end?"

"See, I can't afford to think of the alternative, Chaeng. I just can't." Lisa replied and they left it off at that.

Soon Chaeyoung dozed off, kept company by Jisoo.

And soon, Lisa could feel herself nodding off too.

That's why she really wasn't sure if it really truly happened.

She felt Jennie move.

First it was a twitch.

And Lisa figured it was just wishful thinking.

But the second time it happened, she felt Jennie's hand close around her own.

And when Lisa saw that it did, she wasn't sure if it was simply just like that in the first place or if Jennie had moved a little to hold her hand.

"Nini." Lisa whispered.

But no reply came.

"Jen, I'll keep waiting for you to wake up, you know that right? I'm never going to let you go or sleep away. So don't... don't dare slip away when I find myself asleep. And don't scare me anymore, you've scared me enough already. Okay? I'll keep holding onto you, like you keep holding on to me. I need you Jen, Desmond needs you too."

Lisa paused, expecting for anything that Jennie could do, a sign maybe. But she waited for nothing.

And so maybe it was simply just her imagination running away with her.

"You know I love you, right? I think I keep saying that over and over again right now, but I feel like I've never really said it enough. I love you, I think from the first time you asked me to help make your dreams about going to Nationals come true. I fell more in love with you with each passing day, with the way you'd smile at me, the way you'd make me feel alright, like I don't need to be so alone. I fell in love with how you would sing, like you feel every note, believe every word like it's your reality, your truth. I fell in love with you again when you never pushed what you knew of me on me, when you wanted to simply get to know me again after losing me, after you found me again. And I fell in love with you more after I found out that you never – not for once – let me go from your heart. I'll always love you Jen. I love you now, I loved you then. And I'll keep loving you, in all my remaining days, and even beyond that Jennie, I'll keep loving you."

Lisa pressed her lips on Jennie's hands, a tiny tear drop rolling down her cheek. Truth be told, Lisa strongly believed she couldn't cry anymore, and right now no other tears except that one escaped her.

She waited and waited patiently for anything, a twitch of a finger, a whimper or something.

But nothing

And soon Lisa was starting to drift off to sleep again.

"I love you too Lisa." Jennie whispered weakly, groggily, as her hand held onto Lisa's hand even tighter than before.

But Lisa's thoughts were already far away to reach, dreaming of happier times with her beloved Jennie.