insanity

04| one last time

One year, and two days until his death.
—
The sun had risen, signifying the next day was here. The day had already seemed of bliss from the previous night. Only before I could savor the peaceful feeling, confusion took my mind.

'What were we now?' I thought to myself as I laid down in my bunk. With the war on the horizon we both couldn't afford being distracted.
We needed to think about the future of this country before we decided what the hell has been happening between us.

'To be fair," I thought. 'I didn't mind when he was distracting me.'

After a few minutes I decided it would be better if I got up and got ready, rather than leave myself with my thoughts.
I was the first one awake.
The van felt rather empty without Tommy asleep, loudly snoring on the opposing bunk to mine.

After I finished getting dressed I decided to head over to Tommy's original house that was outside of L'manburg. The odds of him being awake were fairly high. He never really woke up early over at the van unless he was forced, though nights that he stays at his house he usually gets restless.

I made my way over to Tommy's house, I walked right in without a knock. It was rather early but sure enough, he was awake.

He was downstairs tending to his farm that was practically all dead, due to his neglect. He called me down and I greeted him with a smile as he looked up at me for a split second and returned the expression.
"So, how's Will? You guys seemed tense yesterday." He pried, with a smirk he tried to hide by glaring at the ground.

"I don't know if that's your business, Tom." I laughed off my embarrassment, hoping he would take it as a joke.
How was the tension that noticeable.

My thought was interrupted as he gestured me up the stairs after hearing voices outside the door, which revealed to be the remaining people of L'manburg, with the exception of Eret which was common recently.
"Hey! We're off to do our last day of training before the war, you coming?" Tubbo cheered as his eyesight switched between Tommy and I.
We both nodded, Tommy ran over to his room to grab his spare iron sword that he kept at his old house— his main one resided at the van.

We headed out the door as the three boys dashed excitedly to the field, with Wilbur and I trailing behind them.

The mood between the two of us felt a lot more awkward than usual. Probably because we both didn't know where we stood with the other. It would take one of us to break the tension, only neither of us knew how.
I wanted to let it all spill out of my mouth all at once, how I really felt, how special every single night was with him and how he really made me feel like I was doing something.

My mouth was yet to open.

Clearly, there was some sort of feeling that resided inside of him or else he wouldn't have kissed me, I couldn't understand why my head couldn't wrap around the fact to just tell him already.

Maybe it was the war.

I couldn't live with myself if I dumped all my emotions onto him, just to distract him away from our bigger issue here.
If my unimportant feelings for this man had interrupted the freedom and independence of
not only the whole country, and the people to come— but the two boys, that were like my own little brothers.
The two kids that I feel as if I helped raise.

My mouth remained shut.
At least until after the war was complete.

I had finally snapped out of my trance by the time we had gotten to the field and heard Tommy's screams as he ran away from Tubbo.