skinny love | shyland

nineteen

my head lolled back as i let my body sink into the cheap sponge padding of the sofa, a sigh leaving my lips through a long exhalation. it had been three days. seventy two hours and not a peep from conor; his mother had text me this morning and asked whether we'd decided on a colour scheme for the wedding yet. i didn't have the heart to tell her it would be red to match the bloodbath shane had caused between him and i. the night after the party had been filled with screaming and smashing of plates, juxtaposing the quietude that followed once had slammed the door and not returned.

madison's babysitter had knocked on the door around seven am the next morning, slightly taken aback by my bloodshot eyes and clothes from the evening previous. but, being a college student desperate for any money she could grapple, she accepted my thanks alongside the dollar bills and left without another word. the little girl hesitantly stepped over the pile of dvds that had fallen from the television stand amid the scuffle between her parents before looking at me with an innocent expression.

"is daddy in his room?"

i had run my tongue across my teeth slowly. "n– no... he's not." i replied slowly, crouching down to her level and brushing a lock of blond hair behind her ear. a splotch of blood on the corner of my shirt sleeve caught my eye for a moment before i turned my attention back to her. "daddy's gone on a special trip... an adventure. but he'll be back soon. you hungry? pancakes?" i lied shakily through my teeth, desperate to distract her before she was given the time to object. like clockwork she obliged and followed me into the kitchen, begging to crack the eggs for me as she clambered up onto the red polka dot stool while i silently begged the universe for everything to be ok. for him to come home.

the next two days had followed similarly and it was now monday evening. nerves had flushed my cheeks a bright red when i woke up twelve hours ago, fully aware of the fact that on any other day i would have been following shane around like a naïve little lamb by this time. but throughout the day, things got easier. smoother. madison and i were finally forming some sort of routine, a routine without her other dad and without the man who put food on our table. i hadn't really thought as far ahead as to what i was going to do without the two of them when my last paycheck ran out, so i plastered on a fake smile as i drove her to school and kissed her goodbye before returning home to do absolutely nothing.

so i cleaned. i tidied the entire house from top to bottom until beads of sweat formed on my forehead, and even then i still painted over the scratch in our bedroom where the desk had carved a mark into the wall. by the time madison had been read a bedtime story and had a bath, my entire body felt drained of any kind of emotional capability or clarity; everything felt entirely numb, and my limbs ached and my stomach felt like i would heave up the contents of the cheap and cheerful dinner i had made with disney princesses playing in the background.

the glass of red wine felt heavy in my hand and nearly slipped out of my grasp when a knock on the door echoed loud enough for the house to shudder. i placed my drink down on the side table before rushing to the door, hoping with every ounce of my soul that it was conor behind it, having forgotten his key but ready to forget everything because he loved me and he loved our daughter and he didn't mean to treat me the way he did. that he wouldn't do it anymore, that he had found a job and i wouldn't have to worry about working in the city any longer.

my eyelashes fluttered from the air that scampered in from the cold as i swung the door open, not prepared to face the gales that were forming outside.

or the face that stood amongst them.

"what're you doing here?" i blurted, taking several steps back with shock written across my eyes in thick black marker pen.

shane stood amongst the blowing wind and leaves that loitered at his feet, leant against the doorway with hands in his pockets. a look in his eyes that i had never seen before caught my attention as he sniffed and brushed his hand over his nose. it was almost like lust, but different, and before i could analyse it any further he had my body up against the wall and my heart was thumping out of my chest. the door slammed shut behind us as his mouth attached to mine in a desperate manner, fingers clutching at my hair as i stood lifeless for a few seconds, finally gaining the willpower to press my hand against his chest and not fall into the way he was making me feel.

"what're you— you have to go, you can't be here. madison's asleep upstairs and..." i rushed out excuses like they were white lies as i craned my neck, frustrated as my body overrode my mind and began to crave his touch more. ignoring me, his teeth began biting at my collarbone before i shrunk back, grabbing hold of his face firmly to stop him from doing any more. "you said i was nothing but a good fuck. you don't love me." i assured him, watching his face crumple with a mixture of confusion and frustration.

"i need you. you don't understand, you... you're making me crazy." he whispered, pressing his lips into mine again and again. "i was drunk and hurt but i love you. you deserve so much better than the way you've been treated your entire life. how many times do i have to say it to make you believe me?"

his words sunk through my skin and i gave in, desperate for the feeling of being wanted and needed by someone, even if it was just for one night. i crashed my mouth into his as his hand held my neck tightly, enough to make me crave any oxygen i could derive from him as i back-stepped into the living room, pulling him onto the couch and straddling his waist. his hands fell to my waist and then my ass as he tugged me closer into him, parting our touch to pull my shirt over my head before kissing me once more. all i felt was ecstasy.

an hour later, my head was resting on his shirtless chest in the bedroom i shared with my fiancé. we'd been laid in the dark for a minute or so, my finger running over the semicolon tattoo on his wrist, our interlocked hands weighing down the bedsheet. the tiny bedside lamp illuminated his face enough for me to see him look down at me.

"i did something stupid after you left." shane whispered and sniffed roughly, capturing my attention as i lifted myself off of him to meet his gaze. the embarrassment that shone through him became increasingly apparent. "and then i did it again. i've really fucked up." he murmured and sniffed again, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand and causing realisation to wash over me.

he leant across my naked body to grab his jeans, fiddling with the pockets before finally pulling out a tiny clear packet, half full of white powder and crinkled on the seams. it was pressed into the palm of my hand as i stared in silence, only flinching when a huff of air blew slowly from his lips. the look in his eyes i'd labelled earlier was far from lust. i propped myself up on my stomach and elbows and ran my hand along his cheek the way he often did with me, his stubble rough under my fingers as i noticed how abnormally large his pupils were.

"i'm sorry."

the drugs stayed clenched between my fingers as i fell fast asleep on his chest, entirely grounded by the reality that i was keeping him sober.