The Mind of a Teenager

1

April 20th, 2021

Every morning I wake up and wish that I hadn't. I get out of bed on the mornings I feel like attempting to accomplish something. I brush my teeth, comb my hair, and if I'm lucky I do it all before 3 pm.

   Things are getting bad, worse than they've been, so much so that I feel like I'm drowning with nobody to save me. Why are things so bad? What have I done in life for things to be this bad?

   I try my hardest to always be there for others. To always be everybody's rock and shoulder to cry on. I'm understanding, I listen. So why am I the one who's cursed with all of these voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough?

   Maybe it's because I laughed when my brother fell down the stairs. Maybe it's because I was mean to my mom when I was young. Whatever the reason is, I'm sorry. Please take this away, because I can't keep holding on.

   I've held on for so long. And I've given it my all, but nowadays my all is almost nothing, getting out of bed is almost impossible each morning. I want this pain to end. The suffering to stop. The voices to calm down. And my heart to stop being so forgiving.

   I'm lashing out, I'm screaming for help, but nobody is hearing me. Maybe they're just not listening or even simply ignoring my screams. Maybe I'm not screaming loud enough but I don't know how to scream any louder.

   They have me on meds that do nothing but make things worse. The anger was at least managed and now I can barely contain it anymore. I've taken 2 steps forward and 15 backwards, down closer to the fiery gates of hell than ever before.

   I don't want to continue, but what happens if I give up? Will the boy realize he was wrong and grief? Will my mom cry and leave my messy room untouched for months? Would my friends have girls night and wish I was there? These thoughts are the only ones that keep me here. But even those are starting to not be reason enough.

   So, I switch to more thoughts. Will my sister cry when my mom gives her my old clothes? Will my brother sit in my room and talk to me as if I'm still there? Will my dad feel as though it's all his fault and he could have done better? And these thoughts, these thoughts kill me.

    But then the other side of my thoughts kick in. Nobody will truly care if you leave, you hardly leave your room anyways. Everybody will get over it and life will go on, they'll be fine without me. My mom will take extra care of my younger two siblings to make sure they're happy. My dad will be home more to make sure he has more time with my family. My sister will be so happy to get a new wardrobe full of clothes, she's always loved my clothes. My brother will be ecstatic to finally turn my room into the gym he's wanted for so long.

   And these thoughts, these are the ones that make me question. That make me think they'll be okay when I'm gone. I'm not needed here, maybe I've already fulfilled my purpose and this longing to die is the gods calling me home. But hey, this is just the mind of a depressed teenager.