The Mind of a Teenager

7

I keep acting as though I'm perfectly fine when I'm reality my mind is constantly racing with thoughts I wish I could banish indefinitely. Why do I do that? Put on a front and a happy smile so everybody thinks I'm fine?

Maybe it's because I don't want people to worry, or maybe it's because if I voice these thoughts then they become valid thoughts in my brain. Regardless, these thoughts haunt me constantly.

I recently went through a breakout that broke me. The relationship lasted almost 2 years and 4 days after the breakup he was with a new girl, who he confessed he had met weeks prior but had refused to do anything with her until he had broken up with me.

Why wasn't I good enough to keep him around? I went above and beyond to do everything I could to make sure he was happy, I was his number one supporter no matter what he decided to do, and once he finally got his life on track the way we had been planning, he just left like I meant nothing.

He told me he wanted to stay close friends. He's always had a rule that once a girlfriend becomes an ex they aren't talked to anymore. I very very stupidly thought I was really gonna be the exception. The most fucked up part of it all is I told him I was gonna be fine and I was happy as long as he was happy and would continuously support him no matter what. And why do I do that? The breakup fucking destroyed me. I was in pieces and I'm still trying to pick them up and glue them back together. So why did I try to be so there for him when he broke me and didn't care?

    His new girlfriend is fucking gorgeous, and I mean absolutely stunning, he could've at least downgraded for my sake. Boost my confidence a bit or something but no, he goes and gets with a goddamn model 4 days after we broke up.

    I think what bothers me most is all of my friends that have met her, absolutely love her. She's going to take my spot in the friend group and slowly I'll be entirely pushed out and forgotten. And that hurts an incredible amount. Why do things have to be so fucked up? Why can't everything just be simple.

    We were happy, there were no signs that anything was going wrong. He told me the night before that he couldn't wait to marry me one day and broke up with me first thing the next morning. And now I have a very long like of men and women all trying to hit me up, but as the saying goes, I'm always pretty enough to fuck but not to date.

    I sabotage any chance at a relationship I have because I'm scared they're going to wake up one morning and decide they don't want me anymore either. I'm scared that I'm going to get so attached and fall in love all over again just for them to walk out the door. And I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be enough to get anybody to stay. I come with a lot of baggage and I know that, but I try with everything in me to make everyday amazing, to make everything perfect and to make any significant other to feel loved beyond belief. So why don't I get that back?

    All I've needed for months is to feel safe in somebody's arms because I don't feel safe anywhere anymore. I just want to feel loved and cared for but I don't. And I don't because everybody is slowly walking out the door and I can do nothing but watch. Which by the way, fucking sucks.