The Mind of a Teenager

2

I've always been a huge reader. I love to read and transport myself into the different fantasy worlds contained within the pages of each book. My favorite has always been Harry Potter. Now I know what you're thinking, nerd, and you would be right. Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, The Hunger Games, even Game of Thrones. These are the worlds I transport myself to every chance I get. Unfortunately no matter how hard I try I'm never able to shift, so I stick to the words on the page and the pictures on the screen.

I often wonder what death looks like. Is heaven and hell real or a concept made by the church to scare more into joining the torturous religion that is Christianity with their rights and wrongs and straight to hell mindset. If their god died for the people's sins then why is it we still go to hell if we sin? Wouldn't we be saved by the light they claim is their god?

I was religious when I was younger, church group every Sunday, youth service on Wednesdays and small groups on Thursdays. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I can no longer follow a god so blindly that has never done a thing for me. If there really is a god above he is cruel. He lets all this cruelty come upon his children with no move to stop it. What kind of god is that?

I've been reading up on the history of witchcraft and pagan religions and my findings all very much so intrigue me. As I divulge further into the spiritual world I feel a sense of peace. However I do not have the money to truly get started and my family would ridicule me. So once again, I have no place. No place where I can just be, and be myself entirely.

   I've been feeling like that a lot lately, like I don't belong. And maybe I really don't, maybe there is no place for me in this world. Maybe I'll float aimlessly for the rest of my life. Wandering and just trying to belong.

I'm trying my hardest every day but my hardest isn't much anymore. The constant calls of 'lazy' and 'failure' ringing between my ears, never to go unheard. There was always something that would get me out of bed each morning, now there's nothing. I think I'm giving up, holding onto strings to stay here, to stay alive. It's difficult, staying here when I want nothing more than to leave.

   I'm ready to go, but yet I'm still holding on. And for what? The constant heartbreak? The constant feeling of failure? The ever persistent betrayal in those that I deemed closest to me? There are so many reasons to let go yet everytime im ready, something keeps me here, and whatever that something is, I fucking hate it.