shifting progress book!

another attempt

4/20/21 -  4/21/21 

so, after a one day break i decided to try again!

i prepared and researched the whole day, tried to stay calm through the day as well, tried some sort of meditation, and made sure i was tired when i laid down.

i started out with the no sleep method, but noticed it was harder to block out the sounds of my cr without visualizing something. i kept accidentally grounding myself every time someone snored especially loudly or a semi went down the interstate. honestly, last night was louder than usual for some reason. don't know if it was just me or not, but everything seemed so incredibly nerve wracking  BWAHA

so after that failed, i tried a combination of the estelle method and the no sleep method. these two seemed to work really well together! basically, how i combined them was the same thing as the estelle method, but when you walk into the white room, the no sleep method starts. 

i also eased into it slower this time, and that seemed to help.

this. was really strange. i almost immediately had symptoms when i closed my eyes.

i had a LOT of twitching like i have the past few tries, and saw the lights behind my eyes starting to form into things. then my hands and feet started to go numb and tingle. i didn't know what to expect  the numbness and tingling to feel like, but MAN does it feel strange. 

it felt like all the energy in my body was rushing up to my chest, i felt strangely breathless and my chest was like. buzzing??? 

i could hear. myself. like... i became hyper aware of my heartbeat, every noise my stomach made, my breathing, even my blinking. 

i tried to picture myself moving to my dr, and that's when everything started to spin. it was like the room was spinning in unison with my breathing, and my bed started to feel like it was being pulled away from me.

this is where it gets WEIRD: 

i started to hear some sort of weird music?? like... i don't really know how to describe it? it was pretty though. at first i was irritated and thought someone had turned on music in my cr, but it didn't disrupt me and it seemed to get louder and clearer. 

for some reason, my mind kept wandering to this odd maroon colored void with stars??? i don't know why BAHAHA.but the room in my dr i was trying to go to (at this point i was just letting my mind make up it's own method) has a purple light in it. i don't know what that was about. perhaps just my mind wandering.

anyway, as the music got louder i SWEAR i heard a woman's voice. but all they said was "hey!" not in a bad way, but more like surprised? i didn't recognize the voice AT ALL. ir was so strange and real. it sounded like they were talking to me.

there were little sharp pains all over my body, but it didn't feel like i was connected to it really?? i felt so far away from myself. it was so strange.

but then around the time i counted to 60 or 70, it all stopped. i wasn't sure why.

i laid there for a bit, but nothing happened. so i got up and got a drink and then came back to try again. 

i just let my mind make up whatever the fuck. i didn't feel like using a method.

i didn't have as many of the more exciting symptoms, just felt a little dizzy, light, and detached. i ended up falling asleep while counting i think??????? i don't know.

i woke up and it felt like i had only closed my eyes for a few seconds. i genuinely thought that i had only been laying there for a few minutes and hadn't slept at all- till i opened my eyes. there was light coming in the window.

note: i started this around 4:00 am and probably "fell asleep" around 5:30 am. it doesn't get that light out till around 7:00 am.

it was so surreal. it was like i had teleported forward in time.

i was incredibly tired though, and my head hurt. so i rolled over and went back to sleep. 

i could go on and on describing the weird things i felt, but i've got to go get lunch now.

i think i'll rest tonight, then start preparing again tomorrow and try on the night of april 22nd! 

i feel like i'm pretty close!!! i don't really have any physical effects today, but i feel like i should let my mind relax before trying again. i might try to better memorize my script today. 

good luck to everyone else!! you can do it. :)