Right now I'm listening to Edward 40hands by Mom jeans, classic name for a band right? Anyways the song makes me happy and nostalgic? I don't know it makes me sad I know nostalgic isn't the right word but it's all I can think of. It makes me want to have friends and to get a car and just scream at everything. I know I have a plan to be alone, once I get a car I have to plan to move out. Sadly I can't just get a place by myself in this shit hole, having friends makes things so much easier. When I get a car I can expand my friendships and have a life of my own, but being the long time introvert that I am this shit is hard asf. Even growing up with nothing but negativity with family, a lot of my early memories were finding out my cousins were getting molested. Another is my aunt being in jail and constantly calling the house and being told to never answer the phone. When my grandma was constantly sick and in and out of the hospital, or me being anxious in these groups to help me with my social anxiety. Remembering all the bad things as a kid and never really remembering the good. My cousin almost got kidnapped by the ice cream man once or when he was in juvie and in a boys home for most of my middle school years. Or when he slashed the neighbors tires and ran off. Then there's the time when my aunt only saw me just to go pee in the cup for her drug tests. Then with my other aunt when she put me in a dangerous situation with her ex Jason when I was still in elementary. Hell even all those lonely moments when the school would have those mother's and father's day breakfast things and I would always want to do that with them but no one had the time due to everything bad. The time day when I "graduated" from 5th grade and people said that they would come but not showing. I had spent the rest of the school day with three other kids in a classroom with one other teacher just sitting there in the room on the round table. That day they had let us release butterflies and to make a wish, jfc this is sad, I had wish for someone to be there for someone to keep that promise.
Yeah, sure as a baby I was always with someone and had family around but I never had many friends, I was bullied and I had a friend but another he said she said thing and I guess we weren't really the same and another girl became friends with us. I don't do well in threes, there was this other girl and I can't remember her name but she talked to both of us from time to time and she ended up telling me that my friend hated me and that I was ugly and just said mean things. I remember being so mad that when we went to the cafeteria for our lesson about puberty and stuff I kept looking at my friend and just thinking how much it hurt me. We ended up talking and turned out the girl lied and we became friends again and we never spoke to the girl again after. Reminds me of the second time that shit happened, except in middle school and the friend wanted to kick my ass after school. Same deal, like now I should say, it's hard to trust people now a days. I tried making a new friend but my walls are back up now and I haven't talked to him in over a week.
There is this guy at work that I trust though, he says a lot of people hate him because he's too "straight up" with people when they talk about their problems with him. To me though I rather really like that, especially with everything right now. One of the best things about that too is that he see's both sides of things, still giving everything straight up but seeing both views. We don't work together as often because he closes a lot and I'm off by 3:30 most days. Shit like this sucks because not everyone is like that with me. I tell him almost all the time that I'm grateful for him and that he says things the way he does and doesn't sugar coat it but still helps me and listens with no judgement.
My therapist asked me about my possible love life and I told her I don't want to look or be open to it because I know I'm obviously still hung up on Mirio. Even then with love, I never looked for it, it just came to me from others. I never initiated anything with people or even friends, I pretty much just take in what's drawn to me. I guess it's because of the fear of rejection and the abandonment issues, thanks to my parents for that.
I found out somethings from my sister and Sugar hasn't been better and they had a fight in the car that started from wanting a dollar soda from McDonald's to Dr.Seuss to Sugar almost yelling at her and saying that my sister thought that she was so perfect. She should take a look in the mirror and look at her life. Turns out my other sister has depression and Sugar just tells her to read a damn book. MY SISTER LITERALLY TELLS SUGAR THAT SHE IS DEPRESSED AND THAT SHE SHOULD GO ON MEDS BUT SUGAR TELLS HER TO JUST READ A BOOK. She's mentally fucked up at this point, I'm happy she didn't raise me because if I had told her about my anxiety h a I wonder what she would have told me.
I have to keep moving, I have to keep progressing with driving and I HAVE to start busting my ass at work if I want to move up. I won't kiss ass though I have done enough of that during my first two years. I have to keep going, I have to keep pushing through my depressive episodes, I keep thinking of hurting myself and I can I have wheat I need. I haven't though, I've been clean since October. The only thing that stops me is the ideas of tattoos, Of the placements and the ones that are already there. My Three Days Grace one is on my forearm on tom of the place I used to yeah. It prevents me from doing it there and as far as my thighs I have a tattoo placement for that but I still need a design for both sides. I'm thinking maybe an animal piece on my right and flowers on the left.
I want to add words to the Coraline key just in between it and my TDG and I still want my Mirio tattoo when he says to smile. I pretty much want to be covered in tattoos, it helps with being comfortable in my body.
It's been what a month and I'm on season 9 of criminal minds already and it got really sad for a bit but it's always sad. Ugh tbh I don't know what else to really type my mind is just blank I guess, I actually am pretty happy that I go back to work tomorrow it's a mid day shift so I'm off at 6:30. Cora is really nice and understanding of the stuff that I've been going through, so I can't wait to see her tomorrow.
