I was going through photos on my phone, I looked at every photo of myself. My smile with everyone I took a photo with, on what day and year. I was not happy, I was not truly happy with myself, my body image, my relationships at the time. I look and see a photo and think "that horrible memory happened right after that." I see an unhappy girl with a half-assed smile. Being controlled, manipulated, lied, cheated, even worse. I was stupid thinking I do not need anyone, just one person. One friend have everyone cut off from my life. My self image deteriorating over time fast and harsh. To a point where I could not look in the mirror and think how repulsive I was. Skin, bones, scars, bruised, the body of a little girl. It is still hard to look at myself sometimes, I wish to have someone else's body. Yet I am still here, same skeleton fingers to the frizzy hairs on my head. I always thought I am not good enough for him so I am not good enough for anyone. My amazing logic and paranoia mixed with anxiety kept me from being truly confident. Skirts, dresses, shorts, all for someone else's enjoyment and never for me. Heels to be taller, padded bras for well yeah, skirts for a figure. Nothing worn for me, never for my comfort. Skirts flying up, shirts tight to point of suffocation, hair long more tangled up pain, heels with blisters in them. Pain all for him, mentally and physically scaring. Known for being too clingy thinking I was only being caring. Paranoid for stupid reasons, never logically from cheating or lying. Phones always hidden, eyes wandering, hands reaching for things I could not give. I gave so much physically and mentally when I did not want to, pressured into being a "rebellious teen" was it worth it? Pushing everyone away, new and old friends, family's concerns for me, not joining certain things for the fear of being joked about. Years wasted, fake happiness, too caring of heart, to scared of loneliness. Scared of myself, forever the hatred inside for myself burned more over time. Then the hardest thing a person can do, choose what is right. Live in this miserable pain in self hatred, or deal with the pain but progress to true happiness. I knew what was right and wrong but I did not want to deal with the pain of losing the source of my misery. Being true to yourself is hard after the constant lies you have told yourself to believe. Nothing is ever the same no matter how hard you try, everything is different in little subtle ways to the biggest. I still believe I am not good enough for anyone, that I never did the right thing of making him be honest. I still believe that all the right I did was wrong, and all the wrong I did was right. I am still learning, fighting, loving, caring, recovering. My pain will be learned from, I will gain from this.
I will achieve happiness.
