As I Was

Twenty Three

Standing on the small balcony Harper closed her eyes, leaning her head back and allowing the fresh air to wash over her skin.

Though it had only been a week it felt like they had been shut up in their apartment for years. The walls in the small space felt as though they were closing in bit by bit as the hours passed and the boredom was beginning to get to her. To them both.

The only saving grace was that the anxiety from the beginning of the week was slowly melting away. They were no longer hiding behind closed curtains and tiptoeing across the floor, they didn't speak in whispers any longer and even managed to take the time to step outside to get some fresh air. She was quite hidden on the balcony, high enough so people on the street couldn't see her and only facing the roof of the building opposite so she felt safe.

Sitting down on the hard and dusty concrete floor she shuffled backwards so she was leaning against the equally as hard walls, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them.

Bucky was still asleep and she planned on keeping it that way. With the resurfacing of some Hydra agents his terrors had invaded his sleep once again, keeping them both awake as he cried and yelled out.

"I'm sorry," he had choked out a couple of night's previous as Harper had curled herself up against his side, her hand resting on his heaving chest.

"There's nothing to say sorry for," she had whispered back, nuzzling her nose into his neck as his metal arm wrapped around her and his other linked their fingers "You can talk to me you know," she said, leaning up slightly to look down to him. Ever since she had found out about her own past she had noticed he was keeping more and more of his away from her, he didn't open up to her any more and didn't let on what had haunted him in his nightmares.

"I know," he had promised her, tugging her back down so she was laying beside him once more and pressing a kiss to her forehead "But not right now."

Though she hadn't had to wait for too long.

It was the next night, after a day filled with card games and making meals from the food they still had in their cupboards, when they were sitting side by side leaning against the wall and eating noodles from plastic pots when he broke the silence.

"I'm not keeping things from you on purpose," he said before slurping his forkful of noodles into his mouth, frowning to himself before wiping his chin with the tissue napkin resting on his knees "It's hard for me to talk about."

"I know," Harper answered, placing her food down beside her and turning to face him "But I want you to know you can talk to me. About anything. No judgement."

There was a smirk on his lips as he turned to glance at her, letting out a chuckle at her innocent "Whaaaaat?" and her puppy dog eyes "The researcher in you is showing," he teased, leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers.

She melted against him as their noses bumped together, his right hand (now noodle pot free) running through her hair and pulling her closer. All of her thoughts had flown out of her mind and were replaced by him as he encouraged her to move over into his lap, her eyebrows furrowing into a frown as she pulled away from him.

"Stop distracting me," Harper warned, moving back away from him and sending him a pointed look "I just want you to know you can trust me."

"I do trust you," Bucky said, running his fingers through his hair to push it from his face "It's me I don't trust. If I start to relive things I start to go back to that mindset I've tried so hard to get away from."

"Are you starting to remember?"

His bottom lip had wobbled as he'd turned away from her and lowered his head "I remember," he'd admitted "I remember all of them."