From the Desk of Draco Malfoy

Chapter 5

Wednesday, September 23rd

She was out there again. We didn't say a word to each other but I'm worried this is going to become a habit of hers. I shared my flask, I really hate drinking alone anyway, it makes me feel like my father. She didn't really look at me and I don't think she could tell I was watching her. She's sad, that much I could tell. She hides it well most of the time but when she's watching the water it all floods her face.

It bothers me that she's sad. I wish it fucking didn't. Why should I care if the bloody witch is sad? Maybe it's because she doesn't have anything to be sad about, they won, they're heros. Curiosity, that's all it is. Curiosity about what could possibly be wrong in her life.

Maybe she still has nightmares of the manor and whatever the hell else she went through. I do. Sometimes I wake up with her screams still echoing in my head, or with the sting of the cruciatus lingering in my limbs. Is that why I haven't told her to bug off yet? Because I'm trying to make up for standing by while Bellatrix carved up her fucking arm? She has to have a scar, it's not like Bella was gentle about it. I wonder what it looks like.

Monday, September 28th

I used to hate the library, but I guess it's not so bad now. It's quiet and there's nothing in there to haunt me, unlike the rest of this school. Only now, Theo has taken to studying with Granger. I know she's smart but is that really necessary? It would draw too much attention if I purposefully didn't sit with them. I guess I really have no room to complain, it's not like she talks to me, but she's fucking distracting.

Always twisting one of her ridiculous curls around her finger or chewing on her lip. Sometimes she hums, not like a song or anything, just a quiet little hmm as she's thinking through something. I hate when she does that, it makes me feel like I'm fucking 14 again, waking up from dreams of having Granger under me. Maybe I just need to get laid.

Friday, October 2nd

I'm such a fucking twat. Maybe I'm losing my mind. Maybe the Malfoy curse is kicking in early, or the Black genes are finally showing themselves. It's not like I have a family history of sanity, the most sane person in the Noble House of Black spent 13 years in fucking Azkaban. Andromeda might be alright too, but I've never met her so who knows.

All I know is that Granger fucking looked at me and I fucking smiled. I smiled at her. Why? I don't fucking know. I didn't even realize I did it until Blaise asked me why I was smiling. I don't even remember the last time I fucking smiled. I don't think I've ever smiled at Granger. Thinking about her, yeah sometimes, but never in fucking public.

It's probably because the pity is gone and she's one of the only people who doesn't act like I'm some mass murderer. I'll admit I am disappointed when she doesn't show up at the lake and, yeah, I find myself haunting the library more often than I used to but there's really nothing else to do. I'm not going there to see her, I mean when I find Theo sitting with her I'll sit with them but that's because Theos there, not because of Granger. It was just a fluke, I didn't sleep well last night, Granger absolutely did not bring a smile to my face.

Monday. October 5th

Does McGonagall really think a fucking dance is going to make us forget how fucked up we all are? I swear, sometimes it just makes me feel like I'm absolutely mad, that all these people are just carrying on, as if none of it happened. I understand they all cope in their own way but there's very few people who act like they even have anything to cope with. Maybe it's because most of them didn't have to live with The Dark Lord day in and day out.

Anyway, a fucking ball. I'd love to say I'm not going but I already know Theo is going to drag my ass there. That's fine, he can deal with me while I'm fucking sloshed, there's no way I'm going sober. I can't even begin to think of someone to ask anyway, like I told Weasley, my date will be fire whiskey. Speaking of, the only female in the Weasley line for generations is really dense enough to think Granger would go with Theo. Even if Theo was interested, which he most definitely is not, in what world would Granger want him to ask her?

She had said if he had asked her in fourth year she would have considered it. She had to be joking. She can't be attracted to Theo, pre or post war. She wouldn't answer when I pressed her about it being a joke, I haven't seen her joke in awhile so I couldn't really tell if she was serious. Bloody witch makes my head spin. It's not that I care, if she was attracted to Theo or any other bloke in this school for that matter, it's just that she shouldn't even entertain the idea of being with someone marked. She deserves better. No, I don't mean that, I just..

I don't know.

She said she needed a drink so maybe she will be out at the lake tonight.