Finding A Family: One Shots

Battles

Amanda's POV
  *TW SUICIDE*
My head was spinning and I was shaking. I barely remember the drive home. I just knew I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. The only thing I remembered was her face and her voice. The terror that came over her when she just heard mention of me. I was stupid to think I would ever be a part of her life. She was all I had left. Now I had nobody. I thought to myself, I'm going to be all alone forever. What was the point of being alive anymore. All I wanted to do was get high. No, I wanted to overdose. There was nothing to live for anymore. She was all I had left in this world and now any hope of being a part of her life was gone

The more I laid there in my bed the more I was convincing myself I could do it. I could have one last intense high. The best high of my life and then it would all be over. Nobody would miss me. Her life would be more peaceful with me gone. My brain was starting think of where I could get what I needed to end it and suddenly I heard a strong knocking at my door. It look me a second to snap out of it but I got up opened the door. It was Freddie. Before I could even invite him in he walked into my apartment and he looked upset. "You're not getting out of this that easy," he said. "Freddie, what are you doing here," I asked. "I'm not going to sit by while you throw away your opportunity to be a part of Hannah's life," he responded. "Freddie, it's too late. I've done too much damage, she hates me.," I told him. "Oh that's bullshit," Freddie barked back. "No it's not! You saw how she responded when Charlie brought me up. She didn't even know I was there but even just hearing my name she was horrified. How the hell is she going to react if she ever sees me?" I pushed back. "What did you think would happen Amanda? Did you think this would all be easy? Did you think you would just waltz right back into her life and it would be sunshine and rainbows?"  Freddie replied. "No! I.... I don't know. I just... I just don't want her to hate me. I want her to know how much I love her. I don't want her to hate me," I cried

When Freddie saw me start to cry he softened a little. There was a bit of awkward silence and then Freddie said, "She doesn't hate you Amanda. She's afraid of you right now but that's not the same thing as hate. In fact, I don't think Hannah even has it in her to hate- she's too pure for hate."  I sat there a bit taking in his words and trying to catch my breath. "I would hate me if I were her," I finally said. "She has every reason to hate me. What I did to her was horrible," I went on. "Amanda, you didn't do those things to her, he did." Freddie responded kindly. "I watched him do it. I watched him hurt her and I sat there while she cried and begged for him to stop. God, I cried for him to stop too but he would just keep going. I should have fought him harder! I let him hurt my baby," I started crying again and sunk down on my couch. "Amanda, he was the villain not you. I know you love her. If you didn't care about her you wouldn't have fought as hard as you did to get her back to us," Freddie said softy as he sat next to me. "I know, drugs will make you do some fucked up things. Things you can't even imagine doing when you're clean. Everyone talks about the battles go through while trying to stop using but the real battle is once you get clean and have to reconcile with the person you were when you were using. You have to make peace with the shit you did while you were addicted." Freddie  said. I was taking in what Freddie said, he was right. Getting myself clean was hard but not as hard as this. "I don't know how to forgive myself for the things I did," I said. "Forgiving yourself is where you have to start to get any chance of seeing Hannah," Freddie replied. "How the hell do I do that?" I sighed. "Slowly. It takes time and a lot of work. But you can't give up now, you've already come this far. Do it for Hannah, and don't make me regret reaching out to you in the first place," Freddie said. "Okay, I'll do it for her," I promised.

Freddie sat with me for a few more second and then got up. "We have another family therapy appointment in two weeks, you need to be there," Freddie said as he was making his way to the door. "Okay, I promise I'll be there," I answered as I walked him to the door. "Same thing as before, we'll get there early so Hannah doesn't see you and you come in through the back," he said. "Got it," I nodded. "Oh, this is for you. Like I said, don't make me regret it," he said before he handed me an envelope and left. I closed the door and opened the envelope Freddie had just handed me. For a millisecond I didn't think it was real, but it was. It was photo of Hannah. She was sitting in front of a Christmas tree in between Freddie and Alan. She had such a bright smile. That photo made me cry but gave me the extra push I needed. I was going to fight my inner demons for her. I wanted to be a part of her life. One day, I told myself, I'll be part of that photo.