What Might've Been (Cricky)

The Plot to Bomb a Heart

I came into our van one night, rather drunk, and found Chris sitting on his bench, reading a book. "I've got a bone to pick with you," I announced. 

He raised a perfect eyebrow. "Go on."

"What's your fucking problem? What's the big deal with me being with TJ?"

"I just worry for you," He told me, looking up from his book. He put it down onto one of the gray, fabric seats. 

"That's not 'just worry!'" I argued.

"Why does it bother you that I care about you? TJ's only interested in you because you're the new guy. He'll move on in two months and be on to the next new person in town."

"You've told me that so many times before, I still don't think it's answering the question anymore."

Chris sighed and sat up. It was in that moment that I saw how much taller than me he was. "Because you're adorable, okay? You're innocent and naïve. And TJ's just gonna walk all over you. Dammit, you don't even really know how you feel about him. He just twists and manipulates your heart with a few tricks and has you like putty in his hands. It's sickening to watch. I'm jealous," He confessed. 

I reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing it. "You've become one of my favorite people, you know that?" I told him. 

His eyebrows formed a line of confusion. "What do you mean?"

"You don't have to care about me." I let his hand go and looked away. "But I'm not worried about the outcome of me and TJ's relationship." Although every once in a while, I was starting to feel like he was lying about the whole 'changing him for the better' deal. Sometimes I thought he was getting dirty thoughts about the groupies who showed off just a little too much cleavage. 

And sometimes I noticed things about Chris that I didn't notice about TJ. Like when Chris's voice cracks, I think it sounds really good. If TJ's voice ever cracks, I don't notice it. When Chris painted his nails, I noticed that he hadn't put a clear coat on them because they were really matte. When TJ painted his nails, I didn't noticed until his guitar strings had chipped most of it off. I didn't know what to make of this. Maybe neither TJ or I were invested in this relationship. 

"I guess if you say so, " Chris sighed. 

The following morning, I found myself operating on aspirin. Sunglasses also helped. I found TJ smoking a cigarette on a curb, and I took the place next to him. "I've gotta talk to you, " I told him. 

He took a long drag. "Okay, " He said. His voice was somehow velvety, and made me forget what I'd wanted to talk to him about. 

"When's the next time we're gonna stay at a hotel? " I whined. Where did that come from? 

TJ chuckled. "Soon, darling, soon. " He stomped out his cigarette and put his arm around me, resting his head on my shoulder. In the back of my head, Chris was shaking his head and tutting at me with disappointment. 

I pushed him away from me. "No!" I exclaimed. "That's not what I wanted to say!" I shook my head. TJ looked surprised. "I wanted to talk to you about the stupid manipulating thing, you just did it now!"

"What're you talking about?" His eyes grew wide with recognition. "You've been talking to Chris, haven't you? You've gotta form your own opinions man-"

"I can't form my own opinions when you're always manipulating them!" I put my hand to my chest. "I don't even know if I really like you or not! Every time I have a shred of doubt, you kiss me and then tell me something in that unbelievably sexy voice and change my thoughts back!"

"Ricky, I'm not taking away your free will. You don't have to submit to anything that I do. You can always say no."

"Every time I try, you play the martyr and then I feel bad!" I gestured to him. "Or you do this! You tell me that it's all in my head. I'm not making it up! You do things to me, things I can't even begin to understand because you know the human brain so well it's creepy!"

"I only surface feelings that you already have!" He argued. "And the only reason that you're in denial now is because someone else manipulated you into believing that! I'm not the real mastermind, it's Chris!"

"That's rich! You know that Chris is the only one here who's treated me like a real human being? He's one of the best people I know, and you only push me away from him because you know deep down that I like him better than you! And that's another thing! If you know the brain so well, how come you can't figure out that suppressing a desire only makes it stronger?"

"I do understand that. Why do you think it's so easy for me to make you drool all over me?" He asked, standing up. "You've suppressed your own biological desires for so long, that you've created a beast in a cage, begging to get out. All I've found is the key."  He spat on the ground. "You've let something grow for so long that you've taken away your own free will. Fuck. You." He stormed away. 

I was absolutely speechless. But I don't think that I like TJ much of anything anymore.