Off-Clock Musings

On My Mental State

I'm trying to improve myself by implementing techniques and strategies that I am learning in therapy, but it's been difficult to do so. At this point, I'm not used to doing "work" or fighting my lack of energy to do things. I find it difficult to engage with my environment-and that includes everything and everyone in this world-including writing. I usually try to NOT think when I write because, when I do think, it is difficult for me to engage with my thoughts and write them out. I prefer things to come out naturally, so routines, forming habits, and doing novel things are difficult for me. This may be because of my depression, but I am not sure. I am here today to write out my thoughts, for I surely do love to write, and pray that it will help me find the light at the end of the tunnel (as they say).

First, my main struggle is to implement techniques and strategies when I am emotionally unstable. I've found it easy to meditate, for example, when I am relaxed and happy. However, it's been a true struggle to focus on my breath when I am stressed, anxious, or in pain...and how do I fix that exactly? I simply don't know. Does it take practice? Probably, but that's also an issue of its own as I shall describe below.

Practice is difficult for me. My depression has me chained down to my ankles, so to practice is to work, and to work is to move, think, and feel-things that are nearly impossible to do because of my anxiety (well, perhaps my depression as well). Unlike you, I can't simply decide to practice something. I won't be able to practice it. What I must do is literally fight my body, use my willpower, and battle my thoughts and feelings in order to even DECIDE to practice something, and to put that practice in action is even more difficult because I am not my body. My depression is my body and, so, depression is what decides this for me. I do not decide things for myself. I just don't. I lack that ability.

Once I attempt to implement what I need to, I enter a battlefield. My legs are instantly tied, my arms cut, my eyes shut tight, and my heart broken. My throat is slit, my stomach drops, my knees weak. But it doesn't stop there. No, not at all. I wish it did, but it does not. You see, as all this is occurring, my mind is blank, no thoughts challenging the negative ones, and my emotions uncontrollable. I am defeated again and again. And again.

This is a cycle that will never come to an end. Why? Well, it is impossible to challenge it if you die on a physical, mental, and emotional level every single time the battle starts. I am at war with myself, and I continuously lose every one of the battles I have with myself.