Off-Clock Musings

On the Death of Her

My immediate family and I live in the U.S., but the rest of my family lives overseas. I visited my grandmother this passed summer and asked her why she married off all her children.

"You should have kept one here, with you, so they could have taken care of you."

You see, my grandfather left her for another woman, marrying the other woman and starting another family of his own. From the age of 29 to 84, my grandmother suffered and struggled. She has raised absolutely amazing children, and my father says she was a phenomenal mother, a strong-willed person, and that his father was wrong to leave her and abandon his children the way he did.

My grandmother, who was now 84 in the summer of '22, looked at me and said, "I wanted to see them happy," and smiled.

All of her kids (my 3 uncles, father, and aunt) have lives of their own, all married with children and spouses to care for. My aunt and uncle are now grandparents themselves to two healthy grandchildren as is my father a grandfather to a grandson. Hence my grandmother was now alone, ill-bodied.

I went home and cried that night. I vented to my mother what I saw and why I couldn't return. It was too painful, and I couldn't bear it. Unlike my grandmother, I am weak. It was unpleasant to see her in that condition: old, alone, struggling to get out bed independently. I spent my vacation visiting her as often as I could handle, helping her sit in a wheelchair, use a bucket as a toilet (she no longer had the strength to sit on a toilet), and then put her back in bed to lie down on. I helped her wipe, washed her sheets and hung them out in the sun to dry (she voided on the bed one night because she was alone, and no one was there to help her off the bed), and bought her hair wax so she can feel more feminine as she liked to feel. I bought baby wipes for her to keep at her side, hand soap, and filled up a large water bottle before heading out every time I visited her.

I sometimes visited my other relatives as I did not have a long vacation, my maternal grandparents in particular as they are even older than my paternal grandmother was and time was ticking. I knew I had to make the most out of this trip that took half a day in the sky to reach.

Even more so, I sometimes purposely avoided visiting my paternal grandmother because I knew I would grow weak in body and mind if I did. You see, she smiled, watched TV, and said that women her age "are still getting married," but I did not inherit her positive, up-beat energy. I am a pessimist in nature, and I could not help but find misery in her living situation. It was unacceptable, and I couldn't do anything about it because the U.S. is my home.

Sometimes, it was hard to visit her. My family owns a complex of our own to stay in when we go overseas, and she lives fifteen minutes away by car. It was hard to visit when I didn't have my own car, though.

She noticed when I no longer visited and said, "I've missed you. I asked your father where you have been. Come every day."

She always tried to have me stay over all day, but, "we only rented one car," I said, "and my parents sometimes need it. And I sometimes go to so-and-so's house."

"How are your grandparents doing? What is your grandmother like nowadays in body? Does your grandfather take care of her? She is lucky to have him."

It's a small town, and everyone knows each other. My mother's parents have been happily married for over 73 years. At this stage in their lives, my grandfather takes care of my grandmother as needed.

I spent a week two hours away, in the capital of the country. I needed a break from the small town. Being a city girl, it was truly difficult for me to adjust to the culture of a rural area.

A week later, my grandmother was surprised to see me but equally angry that I disappeared. "I thought you left and didn't say bye."

I kissed her forehead. "I was with my cousins, but I'm back here to say bye. I have to go back home now. I need to return back to work. And the baby is due soon," I said, referring to my pregnant sister-in-law who was alone at the time with only my brother to support her.

It was clear she held back, but I didn't. I couldn't. I hugged her for a while and sat with her. She mentioned a problem in the new T.V. my father bought her and asked me if I could fix it.

I nodded and motioned for her to hand me the remote. I clicked on random buttons until the channels reappeared.

She praised my father for buying her the T.V. She said it was big enough to see and loud enough to hear. She then flipped to a particular channel and motioned for me to watch with her. It was a black and white sit-com in Arabic. Perhaps in the '50s it was humorous, but I was born in the '90s. I will say that it was very nice to see her enjoying it, though, and even nicer that she explained the background story to me.

My parents then needed the car, so I had to leave. I told her that my flight was very late in the night. I promised that I would be back in a few hours to greet a final-goodbye.

And I was.

I then flew back to the U.S. late summer and returned back to work. Just thirteen days after I returned home, I grabbed my phone early morning at work and read a text message that my sister sent.

My paternal grandmother passed away.

She was free of disease and illness, both physically and mentally. Her only issue was that she no longer had the motor strength to move/take care of herself. But she passed away.

I grabbed my things and went home, but then I decided to work from home to distract myself from the news. I realized it was better to pretend like it was a normal day. I reached out to my cousin who is my age, and she shared with me that she visited her one night prior. "She said she felt stabbing at her heart, and she looked tired."

My parents were in Saudi Arabia when they heard the news. They immediately booked a ticket and flew back to attend the funeral.

Two months later, they returned back home to the U.S., and my father said, "I had prayed to God to be merciful. My mother needeed mercy after all she had been through."