Thoughts That Make Me Afraid of the Dark

The Edge.

I could fall over the edge. 

It would be so easy.

Maybe that's why I keep choosing not to fall.

Or, perhaps, that's why it always crosses my mind. 

When pain becomes a constant variable, we eventually become angry. 

Anger is a secondary emotion. 

I wish it weren't true.

I wish that anger was its own emotion, but it's always the result of an unfortunate situation. 

We can take two paths when we're angry. 

One, we keep moving forward and with the passage of time, it'll fade. 

Or, two, we fall over the edge. 

If we fall, then we'll find ourselves poisoning our bodies with substances while we hide our insecurities under a leather coat. We brag about the scars on our knuckles like they're some prize. We bask in the "glory" that no one can survive long in our presence. There's always a trail of debris wherever we go. Even when they say they've forgotten us, there's a whisper of us imprinted on their mind. We smile and smile and smile as we lie. 

God, do we lie. 

When we fall over the edge, we love to lie. 

Over the edge is a place many choose to stay. It's a place of revenge. It's a place of punishment. It's a place filled with illusions that we've emerged from the hurt victorious, but it's still destroying us every day. 

Even if you haven't fallen over the edge, sometimes the fantasy of having this sensual control is just as bad. 

You create the reality you dream. 

Your toes are over the edge. 

You move forward and peek over. 

False promises of power and emotional release sing to you like sirens at the sea. 

The sound of letting go and letting the pain become who you are sounds so much easier than moving back from the edge. 

You close your eyes, ready to fall into the abyss.

You can't move forward. It would be easier to fall and numb the secondary. 

You start to tip forward, ready to drop, bracing for impact.

Then it happens. 

Whether it's a resounding lyric, the touch of someone who needs you, or a pin light of hope you aren't ready to block out yet--it happens. 

Something pulls you back from the edge. 

You release a breath you didn't realize you were holding. 

No, today we won't fall. 

Instead, we will stand as our tears nourish the soil between our toes and our knees tremble beneath our weight. 

We will stand until we find the courage to turn away and move on. 

The edge won't get us. 

Not today.