Got your back

Chapter 22

"Hailey," Jay whispered, as he rolled over to face his partner. She didn't wake, and the soft whimpers she was making in her sleep continued. "Hailey," he whispered again, slightly louder this time. Still nothing. He propped himself up on his elbow, wide awake for the third or fourth time that night. He gently shook her shoulder, trying to ease her out of the most recent nightmare. It took a few seconds but eventually her eyes snapped open. She flinched away from Jay's hand, her arms instinctively raising in defense. Jay pulled his hand back, watching her with concern. Her breathing was heavy, and even in the dark he could see the fear in her eyes.

"Hey, hey," he said reassuringly. "It was just a nightmare, okay? It wasn't real. You're safe."

Her breathing was starting to return to normal, but the fear was slow to leave her eyes. After a second, she spoke, her voice unsteady. "Jay, can you..."

"Yeah?"

"Can you go?"

"What?" He didn't know what he had been expecting her to ask, but that certainly wasn't it. And she had spoken so softly that he wasn't even sure he'd heard her right.

"Can you please leave?" She repeated, her voice quietly breaking.

Jay sat up further in surprise, and as he did, he could see tears building in her eyes, the fear still there. He noticed the way her arms were still unconsciously positioned to protect herself. He saw how she kept herself out of his reach. And it dawned on him. He had been in her nightmare.

The realization sent a searing pain through him, like getting shot but emotionally this time. He nodded, not trusting himself to speak lest his voice break too. He stood to get up, and as much as he tried to keep the pain off his face, he apparently failed.

"I'm sorry," Hailey said, a quiet sob wracking her body. That's how he knew she could see his hurt. But he wasn't hurt for the reasons she thought.

She thought that she had hurt him by asking him to leave, by implying however indirectly that she didn't trust him not to do whatever terrible things he'd been responsible for in her nightmare. She thought she'd hurt him because her brain had even gone there in the first place.

But that wasn't what was causing his pain. He knew that it wasn't up to her what her brain tortured her with once she closed her eyes. He knew that better than anyone. She'd been in his nightmares before, although in a very different capacity than he suspected he had been in hers. Even so, he knew it wasn't her fault. And he wasn't hurt that she needed him to leave. He wanted whatever it was that would make her feel safe. And if right now that meant he had to give her space, then that's what he'd do.

No, what hurt him was that he had hurt her. Obviously it wasn't his own doing, but he had hurt her. He knew it had been very real in her mind and to her it was basically like him actually hurting her himself. So even though he had no control over it, it broke him a little inside. Because he never, ever wanted to hurt her. But yet it was still like he had, and he couldn't do anything to fix it. And here Hailey was apologizing for it.

"No, hey, don't do that. You have nothing to be sorry for, okay? You haven't done anything wrong. This is just your mind fighting against you, just like mine does, okay? You don't have anything to be sorry about."

Her quiet sobs continued, and she avoided his gaze. He sat back down on the edge of the bed, making sure to give her plenty of space. "Is it okay if I sleep on the couch, or would you feel safer if I leave completely?" What she didn't need to know was that if she wanted him to leave her apartment altogether, he was planning on sleeping in his truck so he could still be close in case she needed anything. Luckily, she shook her head against the second option. "Okay, then I'll just be in the other room, if you need anything." She nodded slightly.

He started to get up again, but the sight of her curled up with tears still streaming down her face made him pause. She looked so small and fragile. After a second he spoke again. "Would it be okay if I gave you a kiss? Or if you're not comfortable with that right now, I promise you, Hailey, it won't hurt my feelings if you say no."

She hesitated for a moment before giving a small nod. He leaned over and gently wiped the tears from her face. "It's gonna get better, I promise. You're gonna get through this." He brushed a lock of hair out of her face and lightly kissed her on the forehead, before getting up and leaving her room.

Author's note: Hi again! So when I was writing this chapter a little while ago, I realized a much more accurate title for this story would've been Traumatizing Hailey for Twenty-Something Chapters, lol. Hopefully it hasn't been too bad- it should start getting happier either toward the end of the next chapter or the beginning of the one after that. Anyway, I hope you're still enjoying the story and thanks again for reading! ❤