Got your back

Chapter 24

The team had spent the better part of the evening working undercover surveilling a couple of arms dealers in a club that they used as a front. They had wrapped up surprisingly early by their expectations, although it was still considerably late by any normal standards. By the time Hailey and Jay finally made it home after stopping back at the district, it was nearing midnight. Neither was ready to call it a night despite the long hours they'd been working all week. They were both too keyed up on adrenaline from the UC work to feel the exhaustion yet, so they decided they'd put on a movie and order in pizza since neither detective could remember the last time they'd eaten.

By the time the pizza had arrived, they'd slipped into a comfortable silence only interrupted by the occasional reaction to whatever was occurring onscreen. They hungrily devoured the deep dish, and by the time the credits started to roll, the food was a distant memory. Even though the movie had ended, neither partner was in a particular rush to get up. Instead they were comfortable sitting there a little longer, Hailey curled up under a blanket that she was somewhat sharing with Jay and Jay with his arm wrapped around Hailey. However, after a few minutes Hailey sat up, putting an end to the rare moment of peace that they got to share.

She turned to face him, adjusting to sit crossed legged. She nervously picked at the edge of the blanket on her lap.

"I, um, wanted to ask your thoughts on something. Or, well, I guess really I just wanted to tell you something," she said glancing back down at the soft fabric she was fidgeting with. "I was thinking- well, no- I decided," she paused nervously. "I'm going to start going to therapy," she blurted out, looking over at him as she did.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. She continued, "I just thought, I don't know, maybe it might be good with, well, with everything that happened."

A look of concern crossed Jay's face, and he sat up so he was better facing Hailey. "Wait, I didn't- did I do something while we were undercover?" She'd seemed alright all evening, but looking back on it, maybe she wasn't quite her normal confident self. She had still done an amazing job, but there were little signs that maybe something had been off. Seconds where she hesitated, smiles that might have been forced, little moments where he should've seen that she had been second guessing herself. If he'd done something to make her uncomfortable, he didn't know if he'd ever be able to forgive himself. "If I did, Hails..." He trailed off at the sight of the blonde adamantly shaking her head.

"No, no, of course not. It's got nothing to do with this op. I mean maybe a little but not from anything you did or anything like that." Seeing his confusion, she continued. "I've been thinking about it for a while, but tonight just helped me decide for sure. I don't want to have to be second guessing myself all the time, and I was hoping it had gotten better, but tonight brought back some memories..." She trailed off slightly, before clearing her throat and focusing back in on their conversation. "And as well as I've been managing it, I thought that a little extra help with it all couldn't hurt."

Jay nodded, and she took it as a sign to continue. "And I've been looking into it for a while, and apparently it's actually sorta common for people who've been subject to, uh well, sexual harassment-" She grimaced at the phrase because even though it was true, she still hated saying it. "-to have PTSD as a result. And, I mean, therapy really helped you, so I thought maybe it'd be good for me to start going again."

She watched him for a second to gauge his reaction before her eyes widened and she quickly started to backtrack. "Obviously, I don't mean that what I went through is anything like what you went through. It's totally different and yours is way, way worse, or well, I mean, I'm fairly certain it is but also I obviously wasn't there and I don't want to pretend like I know all the terrible things you saw, but-" Her rambling trailed off abruptly when he placed his hand on hers. She immediately stilled her hands, stopping the fidgeting that she hadn't realized that she had started back up again. He had leaned towards her slightly, which made her raise her gaze- which she also hadn't realized that she'd dropped again- to look at him. He shot her an encouraging smile.

"Hey. You're good, Hails. I knew what you meant, and I think you're right. Therapy was really good for me, and it helped a lot with my PTSD. And I think that it would help you too, especially if you have PTSD, but even if it turns out you don't. And if it turns out you do have it, I don't want you to think that it's any less real for you than it was for me." She opened her mouth to protest or explain, but he shook his head. "You're right that we've seen very different things in our lives, and just like you said, I know I'll never really be able to understand everything you've had to face, the same way you can't with me either. But, just because our traumas are different, doesn't mean that one is worse than the other, or that one is less significant. Okay?"

She nodded slightly, but he could see that she still wasn't convinced. He knew from his own experience with therapy that it would likely take much longer than just this one conversation for her to change her perspective, but at least this was a start.

"Come here," he said, lightly tugging on her hand. He pulled her towards himself, and she situated herself so she was once again leaning against his chest with his arms around her. He rested his chin against the top of her head. They stayed that way for a few beats before he spoke again. "I'm so proud of you," he whispered.

She laughed quietly in disbelief. She adjusted so that she was glancing up at him, one eyebrow raised. "Yeah?"

"Always."

Author's note: Hello all, I'm back! Sorry this update took so long- I got busy and then honestly just forgot to post. There's only a few chapters left, but feel free to let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions that you'd like to see before it finishes up. (No guarantees that they'll make them into the story, but I'll definitely take them into consideration) Next update should (hopefully) be up this weekend or early next week. Thanks for sticking around, and I hope you enjoy! ❤