𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 - 𝘣𝘰𝘬𝘶𝘵𝘰 𝘬.

thirteen

friday
11:47
—✧—

          something was terribly wrong. everything was off. the only way you could describe it was uncomfortable. you preferred peace and quiet over anything else. your long bus ride, the minutes before the end of class, and those two hours you spent at the library alone; those were your favorite times.

          gradually, you began to despise those times. you couldn't get through your bus ride without playing annoyingly loud music. you fidgeted in your seat, waiting to leave the room. it took all the restraint you had not to get up and leave the library and go anywhere else. you'd cluelessly asked yourself why without receiving an answer. at night, curled up in bed alone, you grew antsy. the solitude was maddening. you'd quickly pick up your phone, scroll through your contacts, turn the phone off, and minutes later, you repeated.

          you could only assume that you'd gotten too accustomed to being followed around. you did appreciate the company. but even now, at a time when you found yourself craving a bit of chaos, bokuto didn't seem to help at all.

          you were sure you'd overcome the uneasiness between you two, but you must've judged too quickly. now, everything he did seemed to set you on edge. when he got close to you, you'd tense up. the way he greeted you in the morning, running up to you as you passed the gates, waving to get your attention. it made your face hot and your stomach twist. you hated the feeling. it was nightmarish, nauseating; it was any negative word you could find for it.

          you didn't say anything about it to anyone. instead, you let it fester, hoping that it'd disappear sooner or later. it only continued, opening doors to hundreds of uncomfortable situations.

          "(Y/n). are you listening?" kana asked. you'd been staring off during lunch. you hadn't noticed she was even talking; everything was going in one ear and out the other. when she got your attention, she gave you a confused look. "what's wrong?"

          "i'm fine." you turned to your lunch. it was unwise to hide your problems and feelings, but what good would telling anyone do? how were they supposed to help?

          "c'mon, tell me. i can tell something's up," kana said, putting a reassuring arm around your shoulder. you sighed. you were nowhere near articulate enough to describe it. this overwhelming feeling you'd never experienced before. you moved you lips a bit, but nothing came out.

          "hello?" kana's hand waved in front of your face. "talk to me."

          "i don't feel good," you said concisely. "not sick. just uncomfortable."

          "well, what's making you uncomfortable?"

          "is it a person?" tsumugi chimed, her mouth full of rice. you slowly nodded. she gasped.

          "were they being a creep? do i need to hurt anyone?"

          "no."

          "do you like them?" kana bluntly asked.

          "what?" she turned fully toward you, folding her hands in front of her.

          "is this about your new guy friend?" tsumugi butted in again. you shot her a glare, but the rest of your friends already erupted in a heated discussion of the topic. "did he do something?"

          "no."

          "then how's he making you uncomfortable?"

          "i don't know, just, like, being around him."

          "let me guess," kana began. "do you feel weird doing things that you used to like doing with him?" you slowly nodded and she spoke again.

          "do you miss him even if you just saw him?" that was true too, though you weren't proud to admit it. "being close to him freaks you out?"

          her expression flattened out, an understanding  look in her eyes.

          "i think i know what's wrong," kana said, putting both hands on your shoulders. your brows rose; was it really that simple? she sighed before saying, "you're lovesick."

         lovesick? you scoffed at the conclusion. she must've been off her rocker. that requires you to be in love with someone. you were willing to list every reason why she was wrong, but that'd be counterintuitive. doing so would just convince the girls more.

          "that's the dumbest thing you could ever accuse me of," you said, trying your best to compose yourself. the girls didn't give up as easily as you hoped.

          "it's obvious. you wanna be around him all the time, but you turn into an awkward mess whenever he is around. what else would make you of all people nervous?" she wasn't wrong, but being in love was not something you were looking to admit to. you weren't one to be nervous around people, you were just uninterested. with him, it was awful. you turned into a wreck whenever you were with him, but being apart made you feel empty. it was all so stupid. your brain was sending you mixed signals. your heart was making you look like an idiot. you were making things so much harder for yourself than they needed to be.

          "i'm not in love." plain and simple.

          wasn't love supposed to be this euphoric feeling? shouldn't it feel like you're in some kind of beautiful trance? this, whatever it was, was nowhere near euphoric. it hurt, it sucked the energy out of you, and it was embarrassing.

          if this was love, you didn't want it. you wanted to be around him without panicking. you felt like you only took more steps backwards. plus, he obviously didn't mind it, so if whatever you're feeling is love, he definitely doesn't feel the same.

          that fleeting thought sent a pang through your chest; if what you were feeling really was love, he wouldn't reciprocate. you knew better than to dwell on it though. you didn't want to be in love with him anyway. it still hurt to think about though. if you were in love, you'd get your heart broken. but if that hurt would make the pain of this so-called love go away, it was something you'd have to endure.

          "it's obvious you like him." kana said.

          "i don't."

          "d'you think he knows?" tsumugi asked.

          "i wouldn't know. it's her crush."

          "he's not my crush."

          the group was a mix of teasing and actually helpful advice. the teasing was annoying, but the advice didn't seem any better. you weren't in love, but even if you were, how would you pursue that unrealistic fantasy without having your dreams crushed? if things did work out, how would you two even work out? you're polar opposites, completely incompatible. sure, you worked alright in a platonic relationship, but there was no way you'd function as anything more. there was a thin chance, but too thin for you to take the risk.

          "there's no way i could be...in love with him," you muttered out, almost repulsed by your own words. you'd think loving someone like him would be riveting, exciting, everything good. you'd think it'd be everything but this painful hell.

          "uh, speak of the devil."

          you whipped your head around to see bokuto on his way to your table.

what awful timing.