nine things || lrh

First Thing

My hand went to my right.

Emptiness.

For two days. I opened my eyes turning my head in that direction.

Emptiness.

Not touched for two days. The sheets were crumpled. The pillow was crumpled as if someone was lying there a few minutes ago. But the sheets were cold. How could I do that, you ask. I don't know. This is my answer.

Cool autumn air poured in through the open window. How did I get here? It's a long story. Will I tell you about it?

Maybe.

Certainly not all of it. I don't have that much time. But I will find time for a few things.

Nine things to be exact.

You may find it boring. But that's my story. Maybe not only mine.

I share her.

I was sharing with someone else.

With someone special. But you won't understand it.

I turned right over to his side. But he wasn't here. Sniffing the remains of his scent that I knew very well. With my head resting on his pillow, I glanced at the bedside table.

That's when I saw a little black circle. His lip ring. Which he took out from his lower lip. Why did he do that? I'd like to know it myself.

༻✧༺

"Don't be a fucking pussy" I held his hand. He was terrified. I've never seen him like this before.

"It's your fault"

"How? You wanted to come here" I laughed at his statement.

"Because I wanted to impress you"

His way of thinking.

His need to belong, that he wanted to be someone special in my eyes. Someone who will be sure that I'll never leave him because our relationship will become boring.

I was falling in love with him every day all over again.

"I'll make one down there, if you make this one here"

I kissed him on the left side, just below the left corner of his mouth.

I saw that.

I could see in his eyes how he wanted me at that moment.

"You'll do it anyway"

"Where did this conclusion come from?"

"I can see it in your eyes"

It's true. He could do it. And by 'it' I mean reading from my eyes. He could always do it, which made me crazy.

"For you, I would jump off a bridge. I hope you'll remember that."

"Until death do us part?"

"Can you stop repeating that"

He always did. He told me those five words every day. Until death do us part. It stuck into my head to the point that every morning when I looked at him, the first thing I thought about was these five words.

These five words.

"Are you ready?" a tall tattooed guy came out from behind the blue curtain holding something in his hand.

"No?"

"Too late" he said, sitting down on the stool next to us.

He was nervous. I saw that. I didn't want him to feel like this.

"I'll suck you off later. You'll forget the pain" I whispered in his ear.

His pupils.

His pupils grew so much that I was almost unable to see his blue iris.

He looked at me. He squeezed my hand, but he did it gently. Like a baby when you give him your little finger.

His squeezed eyelids. It was the same with his squeezed heart.

༻✧༺

Was it worth it? Don't ask me about it.

I remember the way he was holding my hand like it was yesterday. The glow of his eyes. As we were walking in the street in the evening, when he saw a neon sign above one of the buildings. The tone of his voice when he said "let's do something we'll regret". What he was wearing then and what his expression looked like.

I remember.

I didn't regret it back then. After so many years I still didn't regret it.

We were just regular kids, we talked about big plans that would never come true anyway. But we believed otherwise. He was different. He always did what he said. He never gave up.

I think that was it.

The reason why I fell in love with him.