nine things || lrh

Sixth Thing

I closed the door behind me. I need one item from the store.

Maybe two before tonight.

I hid the keys. Put my sunglasses on and I headed towards the main street.

I didn't want to go by car. I have a lot of time.

I can take a walk. You have to take care of the environment right?

Mrs. Clark who lived next door to us. Next to me. My lovely neighbor. She loved flowers, maybe even more than her own grandchildren.

As I walked past her property I always could smell the thousands of scents of different flowers.

It was September. Perfect timing.

For my most beloved flowers. She loved them too.

Dahlias.

So beautiful and so painful.

༻✧༺

"What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk. Seriously."

I was sitting on the dark wooden step in front of his house.

He just got back. He looked so tired.

"Why didn't you come in?"

Constant questions.

"I didn't want to disturb your mom and also preferred to be alone" I looked around as if I was looking for something.

He sat down next to me, throwing his backpack and guitar case by the first step of the wooden stairs.

I looked into his blue eyes. Beautiful eyes.

How was I supposed to tell him that?

It will destroy our lives. Perhaps also our relationship and our future.

I was nervous.

"What happened?"

He was so calm but also worried about my presence.

A light breeze blew my hair.

The smell of dahlias.

It was the only thing I could focus on. His mother loved these flowers.

"Lysa. What happened?" He repeated softly.

He took my hand, but I took it back. He won't be happy.

I took a plastic item out of the pocket of my black denim jacket.

"I'm pregnant"

I gave him the test. 

I looked at his face.

He turned a bit pale. I don't blame him. I reacted similarly.

Maybe if we were older. Maybe when we would have our own house. Good jobs. Supporting people around you. Maybe it wouldn't have been bad news then.

He covered his mouth with his hand.

"So.."

He was doing it again. His hands began to move nervously.

"So.. fuck"

I took test from him.

Only a minute ago he was smiling at the sight of me. Now he looked at me as if I was a stranger who had taken his loved one from him.

The smell of dahlias.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to give birth" I whispered.

I looked down, staring at my worn white shoes.

"Wait what?"

"What?" I looked at him again.

"I'm not having this baby, Luke" I stood up still holding the positive test in my hand.

He couldn't do this to me. Don't do this to me Luke.

"But why? I understand, maybe we're not prepared in any way, but it's our baby."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

I felt a cold sweat pour over me. I thought he would agree with me on this idea.

"Lysa we're still in shock. Take your time. Think before you do something stupid that you'll regret in few years"

He was looking at me. He wanted to make me feel guilty.

He wanted me to feel guilty.

"We've already done something stupid. I won't change my mind, Luke."

"Don't you think I have something to say too? That's my baby too" he stood up.

"Do you really want to argue now? How do you imagine it? I'm only eighteen. I'm not going to be a mother now."

"We'll figure something out. I promise"

He held out his hand to me.

He wanted to hug me.

I wanted to escape. I will not let him.

I will not let him decide about my body. About my future. 

Never.

"Fuck your promises. I'll end this pregnancy. You won't stop me."

I moved away from him. The last thing I needed was his closeness.

It was his assurance that it would be fine.

It will not.

"Lysa don't do that" he yelled behind my back.

He was standing by the stairs when I left. His body looked like it was giving up.

My mind was giving up.

༻✧༺

The smell of dahlias.

The fading scent of dahlias. It reminded me of that decision I made.

Was it right?

I still think about it.

When I smell them.