Part of Me

19

19

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"You can look at a scar and see hurt, or you can look at a scar and see healing."
-Sheri Reynolds

THIS shouldn't have happened, bounced around in my head as buildings whizzed by us. I wanted to kick myself. Why? Why did I say that? Why did I push him away? I honestly couldn't figure it out. The only thing that I had ruled out was that I didn't like him like that because the look on his face after I pushed him away nearly broke my heart.

The car was dead silent. The radio wasn't even on, leaving us both to wonder what the other was thinking. He probably thought I hated him, but that was the furthest thing from the truth. I hated myself.

I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what.

The silence was suffocating and loud, and I couldn't think of anything to say to quench it.

It seemed like a hundred years before we arrived to where he picked me up just hours ago. Had I known then what would happen, would I still have gone? Maybe if I had known...maybe I wouldn't have pushed him away. Maybe I would've been prepared for it.

I shook my head at myself. Thinking about what could've happened was a waste of time. I pushed him away. This was my own fault.

"I'm sorry," I said, though I wondered if he could even hear me because of how quiet my voice was.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he told me. His voice was hoarse and he wouldn't look at me. I wanted to cry. I finally had a person in my life that I trusted and who could stand being around me, and I blew it. "You're not obligated to feel the same way about me, Devyn. Don't be sorry for being honest."

Reluctantly, I nodded and my hand rested on the handle, but my body tensed up and froze. Don't be sorry for being honest. But I wasn't being honest.

Gnawing my bottom lip, I turned back to him and took a deep breath, my hand falling to my lap again. "It's not..." How do I phrase this? "It's-it's not like that. It's not like I don't like you back, Cayden."

His eyes widened. "What? Then, what is it?"

I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts, but snapped them open when a memory resurfaced quicker than I could detect.

A hand slipped into mine and I felt my body tense, could hear my brain telling me to run, and could sense the atmosphere have a malignant shift. Stop it, I told myself. He's right; he's just being nice to you. He's the only one who has been nice to you since you got here.

So, I plastered a smile on my face and turned to face Adam. "Hi."

"Hey, babe," he said, grinning. I knew why, too. Ever since that night, I had avoided him and met his greetings with disdain. He was right, though. He was the only person to be nice to me since I'd gotten there.

Well, I didn't know if he was right, but there were only so many times you could hear something before you begin to believe it.

His lips were planted on mine faster than I could blink and I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to respond how he wanted me to. Apparently, I succeeded because his hand gripped my hair and pulled my face closer to his forcibly.

"I'll sneak in again tonight," he whispered in my ear.

"Devyn?"

My chest was heaving up and down and I could feel the tears in my eyes, but I blinked them away. "I-I'm-I'm just not ready yet."