Part of Me

13

13

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"Even though he kept joking that he was losing his grip, I never felt in danger of falling. I felt safe on his shoulders, just like I felt safe that his grip would remain tight forever."
-Devyn Rico

MARY glanced at me, presumably to make sure I was asleep, before slipping out the window.

This wasn't the first time she did this. Over the past week, she'd been doing it every other night, so it wasn't a surprise to me that she was sneaking out again. I wanted to follow her every time, but what could I possibly say? No, you can't sneak out? I did it all the time. Besides, she left a note every time she did it, telling me exactly where she was going in case I 'woke up', though I was awake every single time she left.

Normally, I had a weird feeling in my gut every time she left—which I just chalked up to me being too paranoid—but tonight, my depressive episode was hitting too hard for me to even register anything else around me.

The next morning was my dad's birthday. The only thing I was grateful for was that it landed on a Saturday, so I could just lay in bed and wallow for the entire day. Mary covered for me every year, so I didn't get in trouble with Jason and Diane, though this year it didn't really matter because they were gone for the weekend. Maybe God really did exist and was looking out for me for once.

We'd begun to refer to it as my annual sickness, but it lost all humor when it actually came around.

I took out the picture I kept tucked beneath my mattress, running a hand over the fading image. It was from one of our only vacations together. He worked hard that year and managed to scrape together enough money for a few days to Disney. I was only seven and still a relatively small kid, so he had me perched on his shoulders. Even though he kept joking that he was losing his grip, I never felt in danger of falling. I felt safe on his shoulders, just like I felt safe that his grip would remain tight forever.

A tear worked its way down my face as I studied his face, trying to trap the image of his smile in my mind forever.

His joy and love would be forever imprinted inside of me, but something else was also burned into my memory that I couldn't seem to shake. I don't think it'll ever really go away. That's how it's meant to be, but I still wish I could get the image of him lying still out of my mind.

I sniffled and gripped the picture tighter, trying to remember the happy memories.

"Dad!" I exclaimed, horrified by what he was trying to talk to me about.

"Devyn, you need to know this."

I groaned and rolled my eyes—a habit I got from him, despite his hatred for it. "Yes, but that's why they invented Health class. For this reason; so we don't have to have awkward conversations with our parents."

"I just want you to—"

"Please stop," I moaned, covering my ears with my hands. "I get the gist, I don't need an in depth conversation." For a moment he just sat there, unsure of what to do, but then he just started laughing hysterically. My eyes widened in realization. I smacked his arm. "Evil! You made me go through the awkward 'talk' just for your amusement? I'm scarred now. Forever scarred."

"Good," he chuckled. "That's my job as a dad."

People always thought that because I never had a mother figure in my life, I was missing out, but they were wrong. My dad operated as both parents. He gave me the dreaded 'talk'—mainly for his own entertainment—he took me to the store whenever I needed anything, he frequently checked in on me to see how I was doing, but he also was very much a dad. He annoyed me just for fun, he supported me, he taught me right from wrong, he taught me how to stand my ground.