It's been three months.
A dark November leading to a darker December to an even darker January.
The only good thing was that the lockdown gave me lots of time to finish my paper and I managed to write what I hope was a fairly decent first draft for my supervisor in time, even if the deadline was pointless.
Christmas was dreary without any of the normal fanfare and Christmas markets. I managed to skype with some of my family, but they were busy with their own celebrations. I was on my own with too much time to think.
Well, I guess not quite on my own, I noticed that I had two guards following me around the day after I stormed out of Max's apartment. One was Albert and the other an unknown woman, I can only assume from Max's coven, but who knows? I wouldn't put it above von Graf to put two guards on me. I ignored them and they didn't try to talk to me. They just followed me whenever I left my apartment which wasn't often since the beginning of the lockdown.
"Alexis, are you listening?" Tobias's voice sounds slightly off through the computer.
Shit. My mind wandered again. I feel like that has been happening more often. Maybe the lack of social interaction during covid has affected my mind. Or maybe it was a Ph.D. thing, it does seem like PhDs are always in their own worlds. I should probably get it checked, although maybe going to the doctor is risky? I bet people with covid go to the doctor.
"Alexis?"
"Yeah, sorry I think skype froze for a moment" I force myself back to reality and take a sip of my coffee before setting the mug back on my coffee table. I'm skyping from my living room today because I couldn't be bothered to clean my bedroom.
"What are your thoughts on your second paper?" Tobias expects me to get going on my second paper, but in reality, my mind is still stuck on my first paper. We were hoping that I would be able to get three papers out of my interviews with the vampire covens and by putting those papers together I would have enough for my thesis.
I run my fingers through my growing hair; it's been months since I've been able to get a haircut. "I just can't see anything else in the data. Every time I read through the interviews all I see is the elitism of the von Graf coven and the utopian idealism of the Weiß coven."
I look back at the screen and Tobias is stroking his chin, "have you tried reading through the literature?"
I sigh. I've tried reading through the literature, but it's painful, my attention inevitably wanders before I finish. I need this lockdown to be over; it might just prevent me from getting my Ph.D. Ugh, I need to stop being so moody.
"Yes, I've been reading through everything you sent me" I answer. And he has been sending me tons of papers- several a day- but none of them seem interesting. Honestly, nothing is catching my interest these days and that is so unlike me it's disturbing.
"What about your first paper? Any feedback from Helmut?"
"Yes" and with that, I can see him sit up, stop stroking his stubble, and take interest. Uck, I so don't even want to think about it.
"And...?"
"He complains that none of the interviews are with the primuses" I waited for a month for feedback and that is the only comment my supervisor had. If only he knew how much I didn't want to talk to either primus- ideally for the rest of my life.
"Great! That's fixable" is all Tobias says as I dig my nails into my lounge pants.
"How is that fixable?!" I try to stay calm but it comes out forced. He knows I don't want to interview either of those two idiots.
"Just call them up, I'm sure they'll be happy to hear from you" Tobias sounds gleeful.
I glare at him through my screen.'
"Come on, Alexis, it'll be good for you. It's been months" I roll my eyes. Now Tobias thinks he's my shrink.
"I just...." I hesitate, how can I explain how I feel?
"Look, you have two choices: you can either stay locked up in your apartment and kiss your paper goodbye, or you can go get your interviews and finally finish this thing" Tobias explains what I already know but have been avoiding since I got the email from my supervisor earlier in the week.
"Ugh" I complain.
"Just do it, get your Ph.D. and you never have to deal with them ever again if you don't want to"
"I know" I admit. I know I have to woman-up and just do it already. But who do I contact first? And how do I figure out which one is my beloved?
"Alright, I got to go, I have a new funding proposal due Tuesday on fairytales of all things. Do you have any background in it by any chance?" he asks. I can tell he has already moved onto the next thing while I dwell on the
"In fairytales? No" I shake my head. I studied poli-sci not English.
I see Tobias nod, "fair enough, well good luck, and let me know how it goes. And, hey, maybe one of them is your beloved after all."
"Maybe," I say noncommittally.
Soon after the call ends and I am just sitting there in front of my screen, sitting crossed-legged on my couch in my dull leisure clothes like I've done all winter. I grab my mug from the table and take a gulp like it's the alcohol I need but it's 10am and I'm not sure I'm prepared to give in to the need just yet- that's what lunch is for.
I lean over to touch my mouse and scroll over to my email icon. Shit, I can't believe I have to do this. I open my email box and click the compose button.
I take a deep breath. I can do this. There is no way I'm throwing away my paper to start everything again. I begin to type.
An hour later I've sent my emails and I decide that today I deserve a glass of wine before lunch.
*****
Who would you interview first? Von Graf or Max?
YOU ARE READING
Warring Logics *COMPLETE* (Book 1 of The Institute of Fantasiological Studies)
Fantasy''Let me taste you'' He leans forward and whispers in my ear. His voice is low like a gravelly hum. Oh God, what have I gotten myself into? He leans back and looks deep into my eyes. "Uh, um..." my brain is overwhelmed with the scent of his cologne...
