Lost Within Myself

1

Harry wasn't doing too good.

Actually, when he thought about it, he hadn't been doing good for a while now.

It started when the group was called around the table with their management team to discuss the release of another Sidemen channel. Which meant more content- more content that would push the group higher up on the popularity ranking and hopefully earn them more subscribers, more attention.

Sure, the boys had all agreed early on that in their careers they'd make content for themselves and fans to enjoy, and to not look at the numbers too much. But being recognised for your hard work by the public was never a bad thing.

The pressure of having to record and edit new videos had never stressed Harry out too much. He was good at it, after all. He had confidence in his abilities. But something about all this extra work felt different. Bigger. More important.

He found himself in front of a camera more often and for longer periods of time, with or without the rest of the Sidemen. (Although usually with Vikk and Simon, lord knows the three of them had the same fucked up sleeping patterns.)

The boys would jump in and out of discord calls, filming a video or two before heading out- taking turns, if you will. It worked, most of the time. But some days none of the boys could physically drag themselves away from their computers and they would take turns napping in their gaming chairs, instead of trekking the two meters to their beds.

By the time they had gotten ahead on videos, Harry had bags under his eyes that were so deep and dark that he knew he'd have no way to cover up his exhaustion. He didn't think even makeup could fix it at this point.

Harry sort of figured it was around that time that his anxiety had started to resurface.

Despite having struggled with his anxiety for several years, it still managed to sneak up on him and startle him. At first, he only felt the familiar stomach ache and trembling hands when around a lot of people. But recently he'd start to sweat out of nowhere, hands getting clammy and jaw clenching even when he was with the boys or at home. The terrifying feeling would wash over him like a wave and suffocate him until he felt lightheaded and on the brink of passing out.

He decided against telling his friends.

He'd be fine. The beginning of a new group channel is always stressful, just as it was with Sidemen, MoreSidemen and Sidemen Reacts.

They were satisfied with their work, the channel was going to come out in a few weeks -now that they had enough videos prerecorded- they would promote and hype it up for a while and then they would start the process all over again.

Harry chooses to push that last part to the back of his mind.

***

Sitting at the dinner table with the rest of the boys, eating the takeaway that Vikk had ordered them all, Harry felt content. Everyone was chatting happily, eating the delicious food and playfully bickering here and there to make each other laugh.

Vikk leaned over the table to pick up a chicken wing, only to drop it into the bowl of sauce that was placed right in front of Jj. The sauce splattered everywhere and Jj let out a dramatic scream, throwing himself off his chair and against the wall.

While doing so, he bumped into Ethan, who was in the middle of showing Josh how many noodles he could fit into his mouth. Ethan inhaled in surprise, almost choking himself in the process and doubling over in a coughing fit. The noodles fell out of his mouth, onto the floor.

"Fuck, Ethan!" Tobi called in a worry, jumping up to fetch the younger a glass of water.

Vikk threw his cutlery on the table to pat Ethan between his shoulder blades, the fork he sent flying knocking over Simon's glass. The dark liquid was quick to spread and Simon pushed himself away just in time before the water dripped down the table. Not without an exaggerated scream, of course.

Jj slid down the wall, clutching his now red stained t-shirt while letting out faux cries and wails. Vikk couldn't stop laughing, attempting to apologise but not being able to find enough air to do so.

By that point, Harry had slid out of his chair, laughing hysterically. Josh was lying next to him, clutching his stomach and almost screaming from laughter.

Tobi came back with a filled glass and a big grin on his face. While shaking his head he spoke. "We're a mess."

"Jj almost killed me," Ethan gasped between breaths. He was still sitting in a hunched position, using the back of his hand to wipe away drool and tears. Tobi crouched down in front of him and helped the younger take a few sips of water.

"My top is ruined," Jj whined in response. "I literally bought this yesterday!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Vikk wheezed. He reached out to pull his overly theatrical friend into a hug but Jj pushed his arms out with another screech.

"Don't touch me!"

Vikk fell into another laughing fit at that.

"Great. Now I have to walk all the way back to the kitchen to get a new drink." Harry heard Simon grumble to himself. He lifted his head to look at his friend, who was patting the floor with a dry napkin while continuously shaking his head.

"Mate, the kitchen is literally less than two meters away from you." Harry giggled.

Simon shot him an annoyed look that Harry knew was fake. He knew very well what his friend looked like when he was amused but trying not to be. And judging by the way the corners of his mouth were trembling, Simon found the whole situation quite entertaining.

"Two meters too far." Simon whined, throwing the soaked napkin on the table and stomping over to the kitchen.

"Oh, fuck, that was funny." Josh pulled himself up, taking deep breaths. "I almost died from laughter, I swear to god."

Ethan straightened his back and turned to look at Josh so fast, Harry almost didn't see it happen. He looked scandalised.

"You?" He screamed. Josh immediately shushed him, still giggling to himself. "You almost died? What about me?"

"I almost choked to death!" Ethan blared out right before Josh could reply, still in a fit.

Everyone started laughing again. Josh brought his hand to his chest in offence, but he cackled nonetheless.

"Okay, alright, everyone needs to calm down." Tobi handed Ethan the glass of water and stood up. "Jj, it's chilli sauce. Just run it under cold water for a minute. Vikk, please get something to clean up the rest of the sauce."

While the two culprits who started it all scrambled up to do what Tobi asked, Harry accepted Josh's outstretched hand and let himself be pulled to his feet.

"Why can't we have just one normal dinner?" Tobi wondered out loud.

"I've been asking myself that for the past seven years, mate." Josh sighed as he sat back down. "I still don't know."

Still giggling to himself, Harry sat back down as well. He loved moments like this. Moments where they could be themselves- be dumb man children who spilled food and laughed until their stomachs hurt and their cheeks were wet from happy tears. Looking around at the mess and his friends, he was overcome with love and happiness. He really loved all of them. He loved his life.

Harry couldn't wipe the big grin off of his face for the rest of the night.