Lost Within Myself

7

His throat hurt.

His stomach hurt.

His knees hurt.

What had he just done?

Was this really how far gone he was?

Holy shit.

Yes it was.

The proof was right in front of his eyes, sat right there in the toilet bowl.

The food he had just made himself throw up.

He wasn't even sure why he did it. Something just told him he... had to. Something made the dinner he had eaten earlier feel so heavy in his stomach. It made him gag. He needed to get rid of it.

So he did.

Spitting out the excess drool that had collected in his cheeks, Harry reached up to flush the toilet and leaned back against the wall. He was shaking again. Everything hurt.

Harry was so tired.

He was tired of the constant pounding in his head. He was tired of the stinging in his palms. He was tired of that voice he heard all day, telling him he wasn't good enough and yet too much at the same time. Telling him he was weak and fat and ugly and disgusting.

Bad son. Bad friend.

He was tired of being tired.

His stomach hurt. For fucks sake. Why was his stomach still hurting? The food he had eaten was gone. Anything else he had eaten before that was gone. His stomach was empty, light.

And it felt good.

So why did it still hurt?

Multiple hasty knocks on the bathroom door had Harry shooting to his feet and to the sink. With clumsy hands he fumbled around for his toothbrush.

"Can we come in?"

Harry hurriedly pressed toothpaste to his toothbrush and pushed it in his mouth, before opening the door. Simon and Jj were standing on the other side. Jj wasted no time in brushing past Harry, pushing his basketball shorts down in the process.

"I'm about to piss myself," he explained over his shoulder.

"Disgusting," Simon sneered. Jj stuck out his middle finger. He then threw his head back and let out a relieved moan. The sound of his urine hitting the toilet filled the room.

"Oh, that feels good."

"What is this, a fucking porno?" Simon asked while waggling his eyebrows. "Don't think the bathroom is a suitable place for a threesome."

Jj burst out in laughter. Harry pulled a face and walked to the sink to spit out the toothpaste. "That's gross."

Simon giggled along with Jj and moved to stand behind Harry, wrapping his arms around Harry's waist and leaning his chin on the shorter boys shoulder.

"Sorry, Hazza. Let's sleep together tonight."

The hands resting on his stomach made Harry feel somewhat uneasy, but he tried his best to push that feeling away. This was his Simon. He was allowed to touch him. Harry wanted Simon to touch him.

"Sure, yeah," He easily agreed. There was no arguing with Simon, anyway.

"So I'm not invited anymore, huh? That easy?"

Jj pulled his shorts back up and looked at the other two boys with a teasing grin through the mirror. Harry finished up brushing his teeth. Simon winked at Jj with a smirk. For some reason the action made Harry tighten his grip on his toothbrush in annoyance.

"Sorry Jide, try again next time."

Jj just laughed again and washed his hands, humming a tune under his breath. He looked so happy, Harry thought. Bouncing from foot to foot, hair flying up and down, smile on his face, healthy glow on his cheeks. Jj looked so effortlessly happy.

Why couldn't Harry feel the same?

"Ready for bed?"

Simon's voice in his ear pulled Harry from his pondering. He mindlessly nodded, placing his toothbrush back in the holder and accepting the hand Simon held out to him.

"Night, Jide," He spoke over his shoulder. Jj wished them a goodnight as well as he was reaching for his own toothbrush.

Harry let Simon pull him to his bedroom.

They made themselves comfortable under the warm bedsheets. And of course, they ended up spooning. Harry was facing the wall with one of Simon's arms under his head, the other around his waist. His broad chest against his back and the heavy leg between his own made Harry feel safe. Calm.

Almost content, if it wasn't for the loud voices circling in his throbbing head.

"How did it go today, at the doctor's?"

Oh. He'd forgotten all about that. He'd had a doctors appointment early this morning; just a regular check up, to make sure everything with his body was okay.

"Fine," Harry whispered. He reached down to grab Simon's hand that was resting around his waist, intertwining their fingers. Simon gave his hand a squeeze.

"She, um- she said that I've gained weight."

He wasn't sure why he told Simon that.

"That's good, right? Your hard work at the gym and all that shit is paying off."

That's what the doctor had said, as well.

He'd gained weight. He'd gained weight in muscle. He'd gotten bigger.

Was it really as good as they said? It didn't feel good. It felt wrong. The roast dinner from earlier felt too heavy in his stomach, that's why he had to get rid of it.

All of a sudden Harry became all too hyperaware of his stomach. Lying down, it must look and feel horrible. Could Simon feel it under his arm? Wasn't he disgusted?

Harry felt too hot. He could feel beads of sweat start to form on his back.

"You look really good, Hazza. I swear I can't take my eyes off you sometimes."

Harry froze. Was Simon lying to him?

"You really mean that?" His voice came out in a tiny mumble, but Simon seemed to hear him loud and clear. A kiss was placed on the back of his neck.

"I do. You're beautiful, my Hazzy."

Harry wanted to believe him. He really did. And maybe, in his heart, he did.

So why couldn't his head believe him?

"You must be tired. Close your eyes, yeah? Try to get some sleep."

The arms around Harry's body tightened and three more kisses were pressed to his neck. Simon moved around behind him to find a comfortable position, ending up with his nose in Harry's hair and one of his feet wrapped around his calf.

"Goodnight. You better dream of me."

Harry didn't respond, he just scuffled closer and ran his thumb over Simon's knuckles to lull him to sleep.

He knew he wouldn't be able to do the same.