Lost Within Myself

5

Three hours since they got home from another long recording session, Harry's phone rang.

Letting out an annoyed sigh, he turned his phone around, looking at the caller ID.

His mother.

He looked up to find Jj already looking at him questionably. Josh was sitting further along the couch with his headphones on, oblivious to the ringing phone. Harry got ready to accept the call and stood up.

"My mum." He mumbled. Jj nodded, and gestured to the door, nonverbally giving him permission to leave the room. Not that he really needed permission to leave the living room- more than anything, it was for reassurance.

Harry nodded with a slight smile and exited the room, making his was to his own room.

A knot started to form in his stomach. And all of a sudden, it all felt way too familiar.

"Hi, mum." Harry greeted as cheerfully as possible.

"Hi, sweetheart. I'm so sorry I missed your calls last night."

As soon as his mother's soft voice reached his ears, the knot in his stomach became less tight. He never realised just how much he missed his mum until he got to hear her voice again.

"Don't worry about it."

"Your brother came round to see me and your dad yesterday. He told me you're not coming home next week?"

Harry slumped onto his bed, feeling like a small kid again. Leave it to his mother to get straight to the point.

"I'm sorry, mum." How many times had Harry apologised in the last two days alone?

"I'm not mad, Harry. Just confused. I told you I would understand if you weren't able to come, because it required a lot of planning and moving schedules, but your brother said you haven't even asked?"

"No, mum I-" Harry took a deep breath.

"I forgot.

"But I reminded you the day before you left. I even texted you while you were on the plane, so you could ask your managers and friends as soon as you got off."

He remembers seeing that text when the plane landed. And he really had the intention of asking their manager as soon as he got in the car. But then she had asked him about his time in Dubai and Harry couldn't stop sharing his adventures and the question he was supposed to ask had completely slipped his mind.

A lot of things had been slipping his mind recently.

"I know mum, I am so sorry."

A lump in his throat, head pounding.

"I'm not angry, trust me, I'm not. I'm just a bit... saddened by it. I would've loved to have both my sons present."

His heartrate was picking up.

"Are you disappointed?"

After a short silence his mother answered. "Yes, Harry. I am disappointed."

Tears started to fall.

"You promised. You said you'd be here. Mum and dad are counting on you."

Disappointed.

Bad son.

"I had to make quite a few adjustments and had to return the suit and tie I ordered for you. Your father was a bit upset but your brother took him out fishing to distract him. Your brother has been very helpful and-"

Harry stopped listening.

Disappointed.

Why did that word even exist?

Harry preferred his mum to be angry and to yell at him. Sure, that would've hurt as well, but not nearly as much as this.

Disappointed.

Bad son.

His chest was beginning to feel tight again. Almost to the point where he couldn't breathe. Harry stood up and tried to straighten his posture as much as possible, lifting his head and breathing in through his mouth.

Fuck, not another panic attack. Not now. Please, not another one.

With the sleeve of his hoodie he roughly wiped his cheeks dry, but the tears kept falling. His hands were shaking. Everything hurt.

He just felt so bad.

"Harry, are you still there?"

He breathed out a shaking exhale. "I'm here."

Slowly, Harry moved his hand further away from his face. He opened his fist, looking at his palm. Blood. More than last time. A single drop trickled down his hand, towards his wrist. It hurt. It felt...

"Are you okay, sweetheart?"

No. He wasn't. He really wasn't.

Harry smiled, even though he knew she couldn't see it. "I'm fine."