Kiss me || Dylmas

18-Life

Disclaimer: Tw- mention of suicide, self-harm, mental illness
Newt'POV

"—That's the problem, I trust you enough to not to believe you!" the well known boom triggered my long hidden tears.

How does he always seem to find the right words to.. open me up? I don't know!

"—I don't know!" I sit down at the stairs where he was sitting earlier and let my head fall in my hands in sobs. He sits next to me.

This confrontation that we're having is so similar to the ones I had with myself. Just myself sitting on the floor, a knife in my hand, trying to survive. How did I end up here now? How did I end up there back then? Will I always return here?

"I don't know.. I don't know a damn thing about love, feelings, this.. life! I was fourteen, Tommy. I was fourteen! Why? What the fuck did- what could they possibly do to make a child feel like that? How did they made a clueless fourteen years old boy want to end something he doesn't know anything about? Wha- a divorce? friends going away? crushes? No! All that shit, all this fucking bullshit that they've been spitting out our whole life is nonsense! Two parents screaming at each other for their damn reasons, friends backing away after growing up, liking someone.. Loving someone that I was told I'm not supposed to? They didn't even have to tell me, I already knew! I already knew that people will leave, that I'll get dirty looks for being who I am, that I'll be afraid- I already knew! My fourteen year old self already knew that life is a shitty thing that is only here to mess with your head, to remind you everyday that It gave better opportunities to other people, that you're not good enough!" at this point, I was screaming.

After a small pause, I continue, my voice coming out much weaker then the last time, cracking:
"—That you're gonna die eventually.. at some point. So why not now? Why wait for life to give you fucking mercy after all the things you got trough. Why make me want to cut every single part of my skin every-time I'm not okay? hide in bathrooms for thirty minutes, crying and nobody noticed? Well I said It then, and I say It know: fuck it. Fuck life."

There It is. My whole fucked up life explained in a few lines. I was fully sobbing, trying to catch my breath. I turn my head to find Tommy doing the same. I couldn't tell what emotion was hiding behind his eyes, but It was the same as mine. He understood.

He opened his mouth but no words came out.

"—Just- Kiss me" I said after a few moments, and that's all It took for him to connect his lips to mine.

This was all I needed to... I don't know what. To be myself. To be okay. After a few moments, he pulls away, still close.

"—...Why have you never told me before?" he asks softly.

"—Because you were the one who needed me, not the other way" I replay the same way.

"—No we- We need each other.. In so many ways" he got away just a little bit.

I don't leave his marvelous eyes that reflect to me every part of his soul. He looks away. And there It is again.  That feeling.. guilt.

"—I'm sorry" I say and his eyes quickly meet mine again in surprise.

"—I'm so, so sorry".

Thomas'POV

"—I'm so, so sorry" what?

"—Why would you be sorry?" I ask softly.

"—I'm sorry because my insecurities took over me, again."

"—Newt, I should be the one who's sorry because I never noticed all this. Eve though It was a long time ago, I never thought a second that you may feel or think the same way you used to".

"—I don't know what to say to you anymore. There was this time where you asked me if I think you'll leave me because somebody already had in the past. I'm afraid because I used all the hope that was left in me and nobody even cared".

"—I know. I know now. And it's okay. Hm?" I try to find his eyes as he nods.

"—Can we go to your place now?" he asks.

"—Newt I- we shouldn't... you know.."

"—Oh my god no- you got me wrong, I didn't mean-" he chuckles.

"—Oh god- sorry" I join him.

———

"—YESSSSSS. LET'S GOOOOOOOO" I screamed after I won the game for the ninth time.

"—Told you you can't beat me" I smile.

"—Of course I can't" h stares into my eyes.

"—What?" I chuckle.

"—I'm not gonna say nothing so, I just love your eyes" and here we go again- my cheeks are the same color as a tomato.

"—..and the way you blush all the time" I smile, letting myself fall back on the bed, and he does the same thing.

"—..but mostly the way you make me feel. The warmth, the safety... How you make me feel loved.." he continues, staring at the sealing.

"—That's because you are" I turn to face him and he does the same.

"—Oh my god-" his eyes widen.

"—What?"

"—I just realized that we never had a fluff moment together!" I let out a sigh of relief as he chuckles.

"—Come here" he pats his bed, but I lay my head on his chest, small like a little-

"—You're just like a little puppy" I hug him harder.

"—Always knew that you were a fluff person" he says and I look at him, raising my eyebrow.

"—Okay, maybe not always" he looks up, like trying to make the flashbacks go away.

After a few moments, I speak.
"—I'm bored" I sigh.

"—'Course you are".

"—What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, annoyed as he looks at me, smiling, letting me know that he's joking and I roll my eyes.

"—So what do you want to do?" he asks and my face lights up in excitement.

"—No- I'm gonna stop you right here. Think about something else, horny bastard" he rolls his eyes and I laugh.

"—I don't know.. Lt's go somewhere..?"

"—Sure. Wanna call the shanks?"

"—Yeah, okay. I'll call Minho".

AN: Hi! So I though I'd leave a note, since I haven't posted in a VERY long time. So I haven't had much motivation lately. Actually, no motivation at all. So I decided to reread the whole book and I understood something. Many things that happened to me affected my writing.

My feelings, my mental health, figuring out my sexuality.. And I decided to write this. A shirt chapter that describes exactly how I've been feeling not so long ago.
I wanted to let you know that no matter what, you are loved. If you ever need to talk, if you even need help, I'm here. (:

Secondly, the second part of this chapter was really bad, I apologize. I promise that I'll post more often (:

—xx