Chapter 17

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I wake up to a bright white light. I don't feel any pain. Am I dead? I'm not sure. I can hardly move my hands and I feel tired. That's when a wave of pain hits me and I know I'm not dead. I don't know if I'm happy or upset about living. Now I'll have to deal with the gang. Great. Maybe they won't let them in for a while.

Just as that thought crossed my mind the door opened and I closed my eyes as if I was still asleep. Someone came and sat near my bed. I could smell their cologne and guessed it was Dally. "I hope you know I missed a damn good party to come here. So you better get better soon cuz if you die, I'll bring you back to life and kill you myself. We're all worried sick about you. I don't know what the hell you were thinking. Soda and Pony know something but they won't say a thing. You gotta get better kid. It wouldn't be the same without ya."

I was fairly surprised all this had come from the heartless Dallas Winston. I heard him get up and leave the room. I hated him for it. I wish they didn't act like they cared. If they really cared they wouln't say things like for me to leave or to kill myself. I knew I'd failed and figured it'd be best to act like I didn't care. Not like they actually cared anyways. I heard the door open again and I tried to figure out who it'd be this time.

I heard whoever it was sniffle before saying, "This is all my fault. I'm the world's worst friend. I wish I could take those words back. I didn't mean any of 'em. I swear on it. You have to get better there's something I need to tell you. If you don't live I'll die. I'll really die, I'll kill myself because I can't live without my best friend. You mean too much to me. To everyone." He began to sob. Lies. I felt like he'd lied to me once again.

"Stop trying to make me feel better by lying to me. I wanted to die and you ruined it. Why can't you just let me be happy? You will never understand anything about me and I don't have anything else to live for except the lies you tell me. I wish I were dead." I couldn't hold those words in any longer. I sat up and saw Soda looking at my with tears falling down his face. "No, I won't let you die. You're the one who doesn't get it. I want you to be happy...happy here. Not happy when you're dead. Hate me all you want, but I will never let that happen to you again."

I wish he'd just leave me alone. I can't stand to feel like my life is secure just for that security to be ripped out from under me again. "I'm done depending on people to make me happy. I suggest you do the same because otherwise your life'll end up just as shitty as mine." This seems to finally get his attention. "How is it so shitty? I mean I know that you've had problems with us but we've always worked those out."

I never told anyone about my brother or my dad or my mom and how they all eventually forgot me or hurt me. "I used to live in New York with my mom, dad, and brother. Then my mom left one day. My dad started drinking and working a lot. He almost killed my brother once. He used to beat us pretty bad but my brother got it worse. One day he had enough so that night we left and moved here. Everything was good for a while till he started hanging with some of the hoods that were really bad news. He got high and drunk a lot. One of his buddies tried something with me and I was able to stop him but after they all left he got mad at me and he beat me. I thought it was a one time thing so I let it go. It happened a lot after that. He started-" I couldn't finish. I missed my brother so much and it hurt to talk about it.

I take a deep breath and continue. "A few months later I was doing dishes while he was out and was just about done when he came in completely drunk. He started yelling at me that it was my fault with our parents and that I was gonna pay for what I'd done to him. Then h-he pulled a blade and tried to stab me. I doged most of it but he got my upper arm and the cut was pretty deep. I ran out before he did kill me. You know the rest." Tears started falling down my cheeks again as I thought about my family.

I looked over to see Soda looking at me. "Yeah, I've been through some shit. I'm over it for the most part." He shook his head at me. "I'm the worst person ever. I let you down. I didn't know all that happened to you. I'm sorry." He looked like he really was sorry. My brother had said he was sorry that first night and look what happened there. I chose to keep that to myself though. "It's fine. I hate being a sob story. I haven't done a good job of not being one though. Sorry I put you through this."

"I can't say it's okay because this pushed it too far. I can't lose you. Not again and defiantly not for good." I nodded my head in understanding. I still wished I was dead but I couldn't say that. "Don't act like you get it. I know you'd rather be dead and it kills me that I can't change that." I could see him getting mad and I guess I couldn't blame him. "Why would it kill you? You have so much more to live for!" This really sets him off. "Why would it kill me? Because I care! I can't lose you. You matter so much to me. You're the one one person I trust with anything and everything."

"Okay. I get it. I just...I don't know. I'd wanted to give up for a while and I guess I-" I didn't want to finish it. "You wanted someone else to say it because it'd mean that you should." I nodded my head. He understands me almost perfectly. Almost. He left one part out and that was I couldn't do it until he told me to. "What else? I know there's something else." I didn't want to say the other reason. It'd make things worse.

"How are you and Sandy. I really am sorry if I messed you guys up. I just didn't want to see her hurt you. A lot of good that did 'cuz I did it for her." He rolled his eyes. "Well after I realized what I'd done and with the way you'd been acting lately that you might do it, I figured that she'd planned on doing that and she'd end up hurting me like before. So that is actually okay. I was a little confused about her and this other girl. I wish I'd went with her the first time because this would've never happened." I knew there was another girl. I just knew it.

"I'll have to approve of her first. And I won't be a total bitch about it. I swear." He just looked at me and smiled sadly. "I dunno if she'll even say yes. We're friends it's just I kinda messed up and now I'm not so sure." A girl who wouldn't talk to Soda? They'd be crazy not to say yes even if he did make her mad. "I'm sure she will." I smiled at him even if it killed me on the inside. He smiled back at me but I could see in his eyes that he wasn't okay and that something was wrong.

"Soda, what's wrong?" He looked at me and tried for another smile but he faltered. "I think I love her and what I did-" He stopped so he could stop himself from crying. "I broke her. She was never my girl but I broke her and I just figured it out." I couldn't stand seeing him like this. "Who is it? I'll talk to her. She'll forgive you and everything will be just fine." the words hurt me to say but I want him to be happy no matter what.

"You don't get it. It's you. Look what I did to you and we'll never be the same. It hurts for me to see you like this and to know I did this." I shook my head. "You can't love me. I'll do nothing but hurt you and I'm not worth the trouble. Really, there's so many girls who want to be with you. You don't want me. I'm a mess." He wouldn't meet my eyes. "But I do. And look what I did to you! You almost died because of me! I like you a lot." I looked at him and said, "I like you a lot too."

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