Perfect Illusion

Chapter 16: Guilt

"I'll be back in tomorrow, take some of the pressure off of you and Elliot." Her words were intended to soothe him but he offered no reaction, allowing the silence to engulf them again. Their breath visible on the cold night air as they exhaled. She had her question on the very tip of her tongue but for once in her life, she was almost too afraid to ask in fear of causing upset. Wrestling with the idea for a minute or so before she finally decided to bite the bullet. "This son of yours, how old is he?" Her tone was warm and caring, Sam felt as though it was squeezing his heart in a tight hug. When she wasn't screaming and yelling at people, she had an incredibly kind and soft-centred side to her that he adored seeing.

"The same age I was when I became Dad." He smiled, glancing at her upon realising his answer carried no meaning. "Seventeen."

"You were so young."

"Yeah, too young. It should never have happened, but it did." He moved his attention back to his lap, unaware of her empathetic eyes rolling over his dishevelled appearance. "I didn't even know she was pregnant, a mutual friend of ours called me when she went into labour and told me I was the Father."

"What happened?" She prompted kind-heartedly.

"I raced to get there as fast as I could but I'd missed the birth, I caused so much chaos outside they were forced to let me in." He smiled tearfully at the recollection, as did she with the clear image of a young Sam behaving exactly the same way now. He hadn't changed by the sounds of it. "I held him for about thirty seconds, maybe even a minute? And that's it, I never saw him again." He sounded heartbroken, his voice struggling to contain the deep pain but she could hear the dainty quivers.

"You lost contact with them?"

"No, her parents forced her to give him up for adoption." He sighed shakily, stealing the odd glance at her face. "I don't know who took him, where he went." There was a suspenseful pause as he stared into the night scenery ahead of him. "I don't even know his name." Connie's heart ached for him, he looked and sounded truly destroyed. "That's why I need you to understand, I'm not going to give up this time." He sniffled, connecting eyes with her as she blinked tearfully back at him. "I'm not going to watch another baby of mine slip away from me, even if I have to fight you tooth and nail. I will be a part of their life." He watched her swallow sadly as she abruptly wiped away a straying tear, readying herself to talk.

"I know she won't be the son you lost, but she's a daughter who will need her Father." She spoke incredibly softly and quietly, her eyes observing every minor detail in his face as it almost instantly thawed before her.

-X-

"Mr Strachan, please, do pay attention." Elliot's feeble yet angered voice landed the younger registrar's feet back into reality as he shook away his daydreamy thoughts. "Connie's returning to work today, we need to make sure all is well and running smoothly-"

"Right, of course, sorry." Smiling apologetically, he couldn't help but look mightily pleased with himself.

"What's got you all in a dither this morning? You're positively glowing." He sounded almost out of breath as they walked and talked through the winding Darwin corridors. They were on their way into theatre for an extremely high profile, complicated procedure and Sam's mental absence wasn't aiding Elliot in feeling any more confident for the difficult task ahead.

"Hm? Nothing, I'm just feeling-" He cut himself off, attempting to find the right words. "I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling really optimistic today." Nodding affirmatively, he glanced to his left, noting Elliot's rather unconvinced expression.

"Well, whatever you got up to last night, I don't need the sordid details. I'm just glad you're feeling more positive after the way yesterday ended. Having a thick skin is the key, Mr Strachan."