flicker [n.h]

03

Luna Rossi 

Seeing Niall at my apartment last night was the weirdest feeling ever. He needed a place to sleep and even though he's a pop star, he came to me. We barely knew each other either, something about this seemed off like I was being pranked but when I look into his eyes, it didn't seem fake.

I can't explain it, it makes no sense, but I just want to get to know him, but I doubt he feels the same way. He's probably just another shallow celebrity that cares about fame and money. Maybe he's just using me for who knows what, it's not like I'll give him any publicity or anything, so it just doesn't add up. Either way, I can't be with him, I can't be with anyone, ever, not even Niall James Horan.

I can't love, it's just one thing that's impossible for me. Those emotions just don't exist and there's no way to make them exist. Love is a complex feeling that only the lucky ones get to experience. People can love, but it doesn't last, it almost never does. They cheat, break up and hurt each other and I don't want to get hurt. Love is hurt, you have to hurt to love, and I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. You can be happily married with 3 kids, a nice house, good incomes, a dog, but then the next thing you know, your husband has been having an illicit affair for the last 2 years of your life with your neighbor, and your life is ruined. 

Things can fall apart so easily that I don't find a point in trying. I'm happy with Cosmo, he's the only man I need in my life. It's not like I'm a ruthless human being that hates love as much as the Grinch hates Christmas. There are those lucky people that find love, those people who grew up in nice houses with parents that loved and supported them. They grew up getting everything handed to them, so the only focus in their lives was, love. They had nothing else to worry about, so they got their entire lives to concentrate on finding love, so they do.

I'm not one of those lucky people, my parents never showed me any form of love or affection. We had a nice house I guess, but it was all fake. My parents bought a huge house to seem happy on the outside. They had friends over every weekend to show off our happy little family. This is how I learned to be okay, I didn't need to tell my parents how I felt, because they didn't care. So I kept it all to myself, and that's how I live, if I have problems, I tell them to Cosmo because that's my way of coping. 

So I know, I can't love, and I won't love.

I woke up around 6 am today. That's my usual wake-up time, I get up, brush my teeth, get dressed, do a mini workout, take a shower, feed Cosmo, make breakfast, and eat it while I watch the news. I like to know what goes on in the world and the best way to do it is by watching the news. It's like a routine for me, my whole life consisted of the same thing and I loved my little routine, it keeps me grounded. 

My eyes met my own in my bathroom mirror reflection. I look pretty tired today, it's probably due to my lack of sleep. I can't remember the last time I actually had a good sleep, let alone one longer than 4 hours. It's not that I stayed up late every night, most nights I'd be asleep, or trying to at 11 pm. I just couldn't bring myself to actually sleep, I've tried sleeping pills, meditation, hot baths, tea and even going for a run late at night to tire myself out. But nothing works, I can fall asleep for a couple of hours, but I just wake up and lay there until morning. Last night, it was about 2 hours, after Niall came I was wide awake until 6 am rolled around.

I grabbed my purple toothbrush and put toothpaste on it, wetting it then beginning to brush. After two minutes, I brushed my hair, put it in a high ponytail, and walked back to my bedroom. I opened my white dresser grabbing my workout outfit which consisted of pink booty shorts and a matching pink sports bra. Usually, I just did a 30-minute YouTube workout to stay in shape. I rolled out my dark pink yoga mat on my bedroom floor and set everything up.