flicker [n.h]

05

*TW: eating disorder/body dysmorphia*

Luna Rossi

I shut the door peacefully separating Niall and me, now. I stood there in my bathing suit smiling to myself, keeping my eyes locked on the door like I'd burn a hole through it. I'm glad I was able to clear things up with Niall, and we were on good terms again. Although I do still wonder what he dreamt about, I decided to move on, it's his life, not mine. After probably 5 whole minutes of smiling and staring, I walked further into the apartment, Cosmo following me in. I was still kind of wet and smelt like chlorine, so I hopped in the shower real quick even though it was 11:30 at night. 

I started the warm water letting it pour down on me, the steam starting to fill the small space. Showers were my thinking places, it's where I get my best ideas and deepest thoughts. My eyes shut lightly letting the water cascade down my naked body.

My mind only stayed on one thought tonight though, Niall. I had a really great time with him, even though we were only together a little over an hour, it felt like forever. He was a friend I was glad to have, a friend I can't believe I had considering he's a pop star. 

That reminded me of his song he said he wrote, that he found his inspiration. Whatever that may be. Maybe he met a girl and being in my apartment for the night made him think how the girl would react. She wouldn't want him around other girls, so that's probably why he ran off in such a rush. That's the theory I went with, it made sense to me at least. I wonder who that girl would be, I bet she's nice and sweet, just like he is. I hope he finds true love, he's one of those lucky people after all.

I finished up, washing my hair and body before turning off the water and stepping out to wrap myself in a clean towel. My feet padded against the hardwood floors leading to my room to put on some underwear and a big t-shirt, my usual at-home outfit. I pulled the shirt over my head, dropping the soft towel as I do so. Then I slid the underwear up to my legs and walking to the tall mirror I had in my room.

I stared at myself, hating the sight, but I couldn't look away. Without thinking, I pulled the huge shirt, so you could see my figure holding it there to stare at my body. My eyes focused on every dip and curve as I turned to my side to stare at my stomach. I pinched my eyes shut, not wanting to look any longer, but I couldn't stop judging myself. My eyes opened again meeting my glossy ones in the mirror's reflection, tears slipping silently down my face. I really didn't want to do this, but I had to.

I walked over to my desk, pulling out a drawer and grabbing the measuring tape haunting me. Grabbing the roll, I walk back to the mirror and lift my shirt, holding the end of the purple fabric in between my teeth. I use my hands to unravel the tape and finally wrapping it around my waist pulling it until it crossed over itself. My index finger held the spot where the ends met as I let go and keep my two fingers pressed on the tape. I look into the mirror, unclutching my teeth, so my shirt falls back down to my mid-thigh. My heart pumps faster, the anticipation of the number waiting to be revealed pressed between my index finger and thumb.

I open my eyes meeting my own in the mirror once again before looking down at the tape. Cosmo walked in and sat at my feet as I still haven't looked at the number underneath my fingers. 

"Hi, buddy." I sniffle, my vision blurred, so I couldn't read the tape.

 I use my free hand to wipe my eyelids wiping the tears built up on my waterline. Once I could see more clearly, my vision focuses back down, finally sliding my fingers down the tape so the number I've been dreading stared right back up at me.

My palms start to sweat as I dropped the tape to the floor near Cosmo at my feet. Tears poured down my face leaving hot trails on my wet cheeks.

"No! It's not fair!" I yelled to myself, walking to my bed and laying face down. I laid there silently crying to myself as Cosmo came onto the bed resting his head on my back. I felt bad that he saw me like this even though it happens almost every night. My body flipped over, so I sat up on the headboard as Cosmo moved closer, cuddling up next to me. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this, buddy." I sniffle petting his brown curly fur.