Forbidden Freedoms

Consequences to every action

Billy sat for what seemed hours just staring at the floor he had never noticed the mark in the carpet which seemed like a burn mark. He had never smoked in there and thought he would have seen a mark like this before. Its strange what the mind focuses on to avoid the trauma of life. The mark was an anomaly in his safe haven. A reminder that it was not perfect or controlled. He didn't know every inch of the surroundings around him like he thought he did. He wondered what other glitches he had missed in his existence. This moment of existential crisis was interrupted by a knock on his door. It was a soft knock that he instinctively knew held no harm behind the door. He hadn't even decided if he should answer it when the voices came from the other side.

"We know your in there so open up" said Charlie with a concerned tone.

"Please let us see you" followed Vicki's soft voice.

Why were they together! panicked Billy. Had the truth escaped already? Had they come to condemn him already?. He took a moment to centre his mind and use logic to interpret their actions. If they knew they wouldn't come to him, they would run. They must have met at the interview that they did together. Nothing more. The paranoia wasn't helping, it was adding to the weight that made his mask slip.

"Sorry I'm not feeling well" sheepishly whispered Billy. He wasn't gonna fool anyone with these desperate acting attempts.

"If you don't open the door we are gonna have to call the police Billy, we are worried your gonna do something silly.... your not yourself" Charlie was pleading. Her voice vibrated the door as if she was pressed tightly against it to be as close as possible.

"I'm asking you to open the door so we can see your ok. You don't have to ask us to stay but we won't go until we see you Billy". This was Vicki using a tone suggestive of experience dealing with people in crisis. She had an air of stern motherhood that made Billy feel compelled to comply with the matriarchal order.

Billy unbolted the lock and accepted that whatever repercussions awaited behind the door. His dread was shining from every fibre of his soul as he opened the door and faced the only two people whose trust he  valued the most. He was greeted by warm smiles and both hugged him tightly. Charlie's hug was intense as if trying to bond them at a cellular level.   Vicki's more tender like she was ever so gently wrapping him in a protective film that would deflect all adversity thrown at him. Both seemed to reflect a love but from differing ends of the spectrum. He ushered them in. No one had ever been allowed to enter Billys safe haven. Both could see that it was very much a man's home that looked, felt and smelt like no lady had been here.
     Nervously Billy opened the curtains and pushed the window wide open. He needed the air as much as the flat did. "Sorry about the mess... I wasn't expecting company" said Billy grabbing any item he felt was out of place or unclean and bustling them away from eyesight. The two ladies didn't care about any imaginary mess that Billy thought covered his home. It was tidy, infact beyond tidy. It was organised, controlled and oddly artifical. It didn't reflect the man they had known. No personality resonated in this environment. It was unwelcoming like sitting in a show home where you know things are places specifically to portray an image  but never feel lived in. This flat didn't feel like a life was being lived in its walls. An existence perhaps but not a fulfilled unique life. They both felt like they were on a stage of an elaborate production with no known audience but couldn't articulate why.

"Don't fiddle with things Billy. Please sit down and calm down" Vicki ushered him to sit down seeing that he was unsettled by this intrusion into his safe space. He wondered how she was so well equipped to spot and deal with people in crisis. What had happened in her life to make her so confident and competent in these moments of stress? Billy knew he would never get the answers to these questions. He had already accepted that any interation he got from this point was a bonus he would treasure.
     Charlie sat down beside him and took his hand in hers. She didn't say anything just lent against him. It seems she was happy to let Vicki take the lead in this situation and was there to be the calming wave over Billys erratic mind. Vicki sat near Billy and put her hand on his arm rubbing gently as if healing a bump he'd gotten from falling off his bike as a small child. These projective emotions  made Billy feel like he was awaiting a stern telling off for being bad. Strange thought Billy that given the situation he faced that the only comparison he could make is that of a disappointed parent chastising their offspring. Had he really missed that much of his life experiences that this was his default setting? Or was this ultimately what he craved? Billy knew he wasn't equipped emotionally to deal with anything of this magnitude. He had to trust someone. Why not the two ladies he bonded with the most.
    Vicki held eye contact with Billy as if she was really trying to push what she was about to say straight into his brain. "We are both worried about you Billy, you've been through a great deal in a short space of time and we both feel like this has affected you on an emotional level" Vicki nodded as she spoke as if to subliminally get Billy to agree with the statement she was making. "You've been very erratic  and maybe you've suffered some PTSD or emotional trauma" Vicki had analysed the situation like she was dealing with someone in denial. Charlie just rubbed Billys hand as Vicki spoke and patted his hand in agreement at the points that were made. Billy felt like he was in therapy all over again except thsi time there was a feeling of tender support and compassion. His previous experiences  felt like a cross examination, like he was being studied from behind the cameras that peered at him as if someone was taking aim at him from through the scope on their loaded rifle.
     Billy had no answer to give but felt cornered by the line of questioning. Say something thought Billy...say anything.... but just say something. Silence can seem as incriminating as a confession. Say something screamed Billy in his head.
    "Look your right... I've been through alot and its made me feel abit uneasy" Billy was trying to echo the words that they had said to him much like a false confession rabbiting back the information given. "I just need some time and space". This was the polar opposite of what Billy wanted, he craved company and the feeling of security that both ladies brought him, but he knew deep down that it was best to stay away from people. It wouldn't end well. Charlie kept squeezing his hand encouraging the words she thought brave of him to share. Vicki looked more skeptical. She would be much harder to pull away from his inner turmoil.
     Vicki sat silent as if analysing the whole picture before her and then softy spoke "I can't help but feel like your putting on a mask Billy. A face you think we need to see". She was right on the money with her astute observation but Billy had been wearing a mask his whole life it seemed and was unsure who he was supposed to be or if that person was worth being. "We just need to know that your not going to hurt yourself" she bluntly addressed the elephant in the room. Charlie tried to make it seem softer  - "its not that we think your mentally unwell its just that you've seen alot of bad things and that can affect someone in different ways". Her soft concern made Billy glad he had her as a friend. "Promise me you'll always ask for help if you need it" whispered Charlie softly.
    "I promise" said Billy. He wished he meant it but the decision ultimately would not be his. They talked for about an hour with Vicki leading the monologue and providing the leadership during this friendly intervention. Charlie was like the emotional cuddle toys he was given during the therapy sessions of his youth. Warm and easy to cuddle, they didn't care what he had done... they didn't judge they just allowed him to have some warmth and contact.
      It seemed that they were satisfied that Billy wasn't going to harm himself and though reluctant were going to leave him be and give him the space he had asked for. Charlie gave him another deep hug  again asking Billy to promise he will ask her for help. The next words had an effect on Billy that he hadn't ever experienced. Charlie softly whispered "I do love you". The words that Billy had longed to hear and it made him feel vindicated, then instantly panicked and vulnerable. It couldn't work out, it wouldn't be allowed to work out. He felt remorse and guilt like never before as he realised he had allowed her to have these feelings for him and he would break her heart . He couldn't lie to her anymore.
"I love you ... but you can't love me" Billys heart broke as he said the words. Before she could even ask why Billy blurted out - "I'm not real, this isn't me... I'm killer"